Let me tell you a story about Big Red... I've been living in my house now for a long time, I've moved in and out, people have stayed over, renovations have happened and all the while this big red suitcase has been ever present... It's something I've avoided dealing with... something that I couldn't face... it was full of memories of clothes that used to fit me, a life where I used to fit in... happier times when I enjoyed being me... I bought Big Red in Sydney on one of my trips back to Dublin, too many gifts and not enough room so I panicked and literally bought the biggest suitcase in the city... it's huge, WAY too big to bring on a normal holiday... I'm 5'9" and it's nearly up to my waist... I could barely move it when someone needed to stay in the box room... but the similarities between me and Big Red are very real...
This weekend these words were printed out in front of me...
"Many survivors of trauma will repeat the words an
abusive individual once hurled at them, and in turn will
develop an abusive relationship with themselves..."
I have believed all the negative things people have said about me... If those people who love you, tell you the worst then they must be right... right? I don't trust the people who say nice things, they're being kind at best... they feel sorry for me... but the fact is, there's no truth behind my thoughts... People wouldn't say things just to be kind... I'm assuming they don't mean it, I'm assuming the people who want to hurt me do... but there's literally no difference between the two so why do I treat them differently...
Big Red has hidden in my home, like me for well over a decade... It's holding onto 'what ifs?' and 'maybes' and 'someday...' It's taken up more room than is deserves to and that's how I've felt about me... I shouldn't be going out, I shouldn't be in peoples way, I'm too big, I'm just a burden ... and you know what, life is still passing by... Big Red has never been able to do its job properly, it's been moved from one place to another in the corner not getting in any ones way holding onto all the things that really don't matter any more ... it's just been lugged about, opened and closed and never dealt with... just, like, me...
Even it's label make me feel sad... the last flight I took from Sydney I sobbed most of the way back... because I hadn't dealt with anything I should have... My excess baggage has held me back, both mentally and physically, I've allowed other people to make me feel like I don't fit in... and I've believed them...
So this weekend, with the help of someone who takes no bullshit (everyone's got that one scary person in their life don't they? Tangent - she confiscated my phone at one point!), we went through the box room and Big Red... I would say we did a Marie Kondo but absolutely NOTHING brought me joy clearing out that room... My clothes never brought me joy, they were bought to cover, conceal, hide me away from the world like Big Red... There were clothes with labels on for the 'when I get to goal...' bought because maybe if I can wear that top I might be accepted... There were things from years ago that have wonderful memories but I don't need them to remember... There were tears, lots of em... there was a lot of regret that I hadn't done things sooner, things that I hadn't done at all... there was plenty of 'imagine if I had only...' and there was a lot of letting go...
So, the point of this post... today don't let anyone or anything hold you back... Deal with the emotional stuff, it's hard, very hard, but there's help out there if you can't do it on your own... Food isn't the answer and maybe take one drawer, one clothes hanger and decide if you're holding onto things for the wrong reasons... and be a bit like Elsa and let it go...
Big Red is making his way (I don't know why it's a him...) to the womens' refuge... rather than sitting in a corner of my house making me miserable, there's some woman or family out there who will have to pack up their life at a moments notice and he'll do more good helping them than here hiding in my box room keeping secrets that really don't matter anymore... not gonna lie there were tears saying goodbye... x
