Big Red...

Let me tell you a story about Big Red... I've been living in my house now for a long time, I've moved in and out, people have stayed over, renovations have happened and all the while this big red suitcase has been ever present... It's something I've avoided dealing with... something that I couldn't face... it was full of memories of clothes that used to fit me, a life where I used to fit in... happier times when I enjoyed being me... I bought Big Red in Sydney on one of my trips back to Dublin, too many gifts and not enough room so I panicked and literally bought the biggest suitcase in the city... it's huge, WAY too big to bring on a normal holiday... I'm 5'9" and it's nearly up to my waist... I could barely move it when someone needed to stay in the box room... but the similarities between me and Big Red are very real... 

This weekend these words were printed out in front of me... 

"Many survivors of trauma will repeat the words an 

abusive individual once hurled at them, and in turn will 

develop an abusive relationship with themselves..."

I have believed all the negative things people have said about me... If those people who love you, tell you the worst then they must be right... right? I don't trust the people who say nice things, they're being kind at best... they feel sorry for me... but the fact is, there's no truth behind my thoughts... People wouldn't say things just to be kind... I'm assuming they don't mean it, I'm assuming the people who want to hurt me do... but there's literally no difference between the two so why do I treat them differently... 

Big Red has hidden in my home, like me for well over a decade... It's holding onto 'what ifs?' and 'maybes' and 'someday...' It's taken up more room than is deserves to and that's how I've felt about me... I shouldn't be going out, I shouldn't be in peoples way, I'm too big, I'm just a burden ... and you know what, life is still passing by... Big Red has never been able to do its job properly, it's been moved from one place to another in the corner not getting in any ones way holding onto all the things that really don't matter any more ... it's just been lugged about, opened and closed and never dealt with... just, like, me...

Even it's label make me feel sad... the last flight I took from Sydney I sobbed most of the way back... because I hadn't dealt with anything I should have... My excess baggage has held me back, both mentally and physically, I've allowed other people to make me feel like I don't fit in... and I've believed them... 

So this weekend, with the help of someone who takes no bullshit (everyone's got that one scary person in their life don't they? Tangent - she confiscated my phone at one point!), we went through the box room and Big Red... I would say we did a Marie Kondo but absolutely NOTHING brought me joy clearing out that room... My clothes never brought me joy, they were bought to cover, conceal, hide me away from the world like Big Red... There were clothes with labels on for the 'when I get to goal...' bought because maybe if I can wear that top I might be accepted... There were things from years ago that have wonderful memories but I don't need them to remember... There were tears, lots of em... there was a lot of regret that I hadn't done things sooner, things that I hadn't done at all... there was plenty of 'imagine if I had only...'  and there was a lot of letting go... 

So, the point of this post... today don't let anyone or anything hold you back... Deal with the emotional stuff, it's hard, very hard, but there's help out there if you can't do it on your own... Food isn't the answer and maybe take one drawer, one clothes hanger and decide if you're holding onto things for the wrong reasons... and be a bit like Elsa and let it go...  

Big Red is making his way (I don't know why it's a him...) to the womens' refuge... rather than sitting in a corner of my house making me miserable, there's some woman or family out there who will have to pack up their life at a moments notice and he'll do more good helping them than here hiding in my box room keeping secrets that really don't matter anymore... not gonna lie there were tears saying goodbye... x

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What does healthy look like?

Below is an image that I always like to share when people tell me they thought they'd be a size 'X' or 'Y' when they lost weight... Healthy isn't a number... it's a feeling... I know I'll get some slack for that but I'm not a believer in the BMI scale... We are all different and we all feel different in our skin so it's a very personal thing to feel healthy... Sure, coming off medications is amazing and not feeling aches pains is a huge NSV... but you feeling happy in your skin is a huge step to being healthy, both physically and mentally... 

All of the women in this picture weigh the exact same... 150lbs yet their dress size (which honestly is a myth and mystery for all of the brands) ranges from a 10 - 18 ... but the number on the scales for each of them is the exact same... but all these women are healthy! So, when you're in despair at the scales and it's not moving... take the scales out of the equation and look at the other ways to measure your health... Can you go upstairs now without stopping? can you play with your kids and not get breathless? Is your skin clearer? Are you sleeping better? This week measure how your feeling about you and your journey... Remember the scales is an inanimate mechanical object that shouldn't make you feel like your failing at becoming a better happier version of you x 

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You just can't see it...

This last week a few things happened that made me sit up and think... I'm an over thinker as a rule, I can dissect a simple 'OK' into a thousand different ways, but this was more than usual... Our minds are tricksters at the best of times and the mind games we play with ourselves can be pretty silly... Every left the house having tried on EVERY single item that you own and still not been happy?!?

It all started with Comso Australia posting a picture of supermodel Robyn Lawley wearing her own swimwear range... This woman is regarded as 'plus size'! Don't even get me started... I've sworn on twitter more than twice in the last week! Initial reaction... they've put up the wrong pic... but no... this healthy, curve, super sexy woman is 'plus size' ... it terrifies me what category I'd fit into if this is 'big'! And what gets me is women, who are younger or more impressionable or more insecure than me will think to themselves.. 'well she's gorgeous but I don't want to be 'PLUS SIZE' ... that's worse than being fat for crying out loud!' 

Then I came across this link... I posted it all over the shop and every single person bar 1 was way off on their body shape... seriously, try it... it's like the line up that GOK does without having to stand in your knickers... 

http://www.marisota.co.uk/shop/freeformat/page.action?pageId=7758

I too, had underestimated my size by 17.5%! Very nearly one fifth out of synch! When we lose weight, sadly our brains take a lot longer to catch up with the rest of us... We look in the mirror and see the old body... the need to cover up... to save the poor general public having to look at us... 

I had a brief chat with a mum of 4 who was confident with her body and I admire her so much... her body has produced 4... FOUR beautiful tiny humans... how magic is that?!?! It's cared for them, nourished them, chased them away from harm, cuddled them, kissed them and so much more... she's a super star in my eyes... How society could roll their eyes at her for a few stretch marks, earned by doing something SO incredible is beyond me... So time to ignore this nonsense... 

A lot of us when we look in the mirror, we hate what we see, and don't understand when people compliment us, or think they're just being polite... when in fact people, we're pretty awesome! You've only got one body and whilst it may not be perfect for Cosmo or Vogue, its strong, healthy and ALL Yours!  So shake your booty and sashay you're way around the world today and just say "thanks!" ... because you are fabulous!

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It's not me... it's YOU! #MondayMotivation

Does anyone else have a friend in their life that just drains every ounce of energy out of them?! Can't just be me right?!?! This weekend I had some long hard talks with a good friend who's opinion I really trust... Yes, there was gin, vodka, weight watchers sausages and buckets of cinder coffee involved but it was 'deep and meaningful no holds barred all night' kinda chats and I could tell her anything and know it was OK, I wouldn't be judged and she wouldn't call the cops... but when I waved her off last night, I realised I needed a new mantra... 

Good friends are really important, I'm talking the ones who will lend you bail money... and they're really hard to find... sometimes you invest your energy and give it your all but it's doomed ... no matter how hard you try to make it work for you, eventually you realise that it's not you... it's just not! Trust me!

This week... if someone is begin a negative Nancy... or someone is draining you and not supporting you, really supporting you... lose 'em... if someone is dumping all their drama on you AGAIN... breathe deep and remember... it's not you.... it's THEM!!! You're not a bad person if you put yourself first... 

As we get older... we outgrow people... as you lose weight, you learn who is really behind you cheering you on... and although people might start off shaking their pom poms for you... are they there when you really need support? I mean REAL support... When you feel like giving up, are they there? If any alarms bells are ringing... just remember, out loud...  'It's not me.. its YOU!'

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Darkness into light...

At 3am this morning I was making pancake batter … Not my usual 3am snack choice when I’m raiding the fridge … but tonight no one was falling home… tonight we were revving up to walk for someone special… runners were donned… hoodies on.. a lick of lip balm to finish off the look … 

This morning I walked with my loved ones for Pieta House… The Darkness into Light 5k… when we got to Bray strand … there was already a buzz… the rain had stopped… the sound of waves crashing just made you breathe deep and soak up the salty air… and the mood was very special… positive… talking to strangers with their stories at the start and finish… that acknowledging nod... everyone was there for a reason... everyone understood... smiling at the jack russells being carried up the hill cause their legs were too short… the runners, the walkers, the joggers… the dogs… the kids… all crossing the line with one thought on their mind … never forget there’s always light at the end of tunnel… regardless of whether you have lost someone to suicide … the 80,000 Irish both here and in London and Sydney were doing something good... reminding the world that suicide isn't a dirty word... 

I did this walk for three reasons… 

Sunrise on Bray Strand 4:15 

Firstly my family has been effected by suicide… to be fair there isn’t a family in Ireland who hasn’t been touched by it… and being your typical big Irish family with the majority in construction and engineering we were bound to be touched by it … My mum is the eldest of 12… my dad in the middle of 10… I have 64 cousins last count… and we learned the hard way to hound people to talk to each other… or talk to someone… when I see someone I love down in the dumps I make them talk to me… if you’re a regular here you’ll know I’m a chatterbox…  I’ve told them some of my deepest secrets, so they know they can spill and know I won’t tell a soul… I’ve coughed up the cash for counsellors so ‘mam will never know’ but at least they can talk to someone about it, if they can’t tell me… but we are always on constant alert with a family full of young people in times like these… 

Secondly, in my close group of friends… I know people who have lost a dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, soul mate and son… I’m not related to them but I know how they feel… and there really are no words… but this little walk lets them know I get it… and I love them…  

My third reason for walking… Neil Gordon James… Neil was my best friend in Uni… people always said we’d make a great couple, many often asked if we were but we were just too busy being best friends to ever start a romance… we did make a pinky promise that if we both hit 40 and hadn’t met ‘the one’ we’d hook up and have beautiful tall blonde haired children with a cheeky Irish sense of humour who would be great at life drawing… I sorted out his veruccas and when he asked for the ‘truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’ about periods… I let him have it.. he walked out of the room green in the face but with a huge amount of respect for women! I loved him… perhaps the fact we were both only children gave us such a close bond, we were the long lost siblings that we never had… he cheered me up with just his smile… he was 6’5 and so skinny it wasn’t fair… we pulled all nighters when dissertations needed to be handed in… got drunk and hungover together so many times I couldn’t even count… he always left a toasted tea cake on my desk when I was PMT’d… I usually growled at him … he was one of the good eggs in life… 

In third year, he failed his exams… had to repeat them in the summer… and whilst I scamped off to Greece to do bar work* for 3 months .. *sunbathe and chase boys … he was studying… I couldn’t wait to get back to show him my tan and revel in the stories of dodgy greeks and making up cocktails for the locals because we really hadn’t a clue what we were doing! That first day back I met him at registration… I ran to him threw my arms around him and squealed! I missed my best friend and his curly hair…  I wafted about in a white cotton top to show off the tan and was wearing green levis… I fit into levis back then… sigh… he was so full of beans… we spent the afternoon catching up on the grass outside… That night our gang had decided since the grants were in, we’d have a sit down meal in a ‘proper’ Chinese restaurant! It is crystal clear in my head… we laughed so much… everyone had holiday stories … and we were so looking forward to being in 4th year… we were finally there… and it was all ahead of us… we were young, free, in college and had another year before we had to face the real world but we were finding our place … 

That night he walked me home, arms linked .. tipsy but happy… I told him to crash in mine… strangely he still hadn’t sorted out his accommodation … he had often stayed over and often stayed with the lads… so I thought nothing of it… I kissed him good night and skipped inside … I was the last person to see him alive… It was the first time I was touched by suicide…

I have run that sequence over and over in my head… What did I miss? Why didn’t he talk to me? My moods went from anger to sadness… was I such a bad friend that he couldn’t tell me what was wrong? Surely after everything we’d been through as friends he could talk to me about anything? I was so angry with him… how could he be so selfish! Had I been blabbing so much about me and my holidays that he couldn’t get a work in edge ways? I felt guilty… Why that night? Why not during the summer? Why? Why? Why? 

Turns out my friend loved me so much he waited till I got back so he could say good bye to me before he decided to take his life… He just couldn’t cope and no one had a clue… That happy giggling boy in the Chinese was falling apart inside... The days that followed are a haze of police interviews, the college chaplin getting an earful, identifying his body and my parents flying over to be with me… It wasn’t till I saw my dad in Heathrow airport I properly fell apart… My dad is my hero… surely he could explain why? Right? How could my best friend do this? Dad would have the answer… and for the first time in my life… he didn’t…  

We had our first assembly as 4th years the following week, I ran out at the first mention his name… college and life would never be the same again… I think of him often… when I hear another life has been lost to suicide, he is one of the ones who pops into my head… What kind of man would he be now? Would he be married? How many of those tall blonde haired children would he have had? Would he have followed his dreams? Found a girl worthy enough in my eyes? Would we have drifted apart? We’ll never know… and if you google his name… nothing comes up… it’s like he never was… 

Neil had put himself in a place where he thought there was no alternative… and no one can blame themselves for someone taking their own life… it took me a while to understand that … and even if I HAD known, he was going to go through with it… it was meticulously planned… he knew exactly who would find him and where… but sometimes people just cannot cope… sometimes the alternative of living is just too much and they can’t see a way out, no matter what you say… and sometimes they genuinely believe that if they weren’t around, life would be easier for their loved ones… it has been nothing but a lifetime of sadness for Neils family… 

The only advice I can offer… is be there and talk.. talk and listen… no subject is taboo… nothing in this world is so ridiculous that you can’t whisper it over a cup of tea and find the solution… a friend of mine has a system where his kids to write down their problems and leave it in his coat pocket, they don’t have to say it out loud and feel stupid or ashamed… he reads them… points them in the right direction …. destroys the evidence and never speaks of it again… it works for them… 

Our family probably give too much information now… I’ll get a txt is someone bangs their toe… but if it means we’re in each others pockets… so be it… I’m ‘annoying’, ‘interfering’ and ‘nosey’ but I never want to experience it again and I want them to know there’s always an alternative … and secretly, they’re grateful … they can jump on the bus and hang out in my house and rant and rave until they calm down or at least until 'mam calms down'… a better alternative in my opinion even if they eat me out of house and home… 

As we crossed the line this morning on Bray strand … there was a calm and moving atmosphere… my family walked in Kilkenny and Sydney… my friends in Malahide and the Phoenix Park… I knew people guiding the light in Limerick, Waterford and Cork... at 4:15am… we all had someone we love on our mind and showed the world that there is light at the end of the tunnel… and its ok to be scared… that people are there for you… and that suicide isn't a dirty word... 

Today give someone a big hug… let them know you’re there… for the good and the bad… and tell them that they mean the world to you… because sometimes they need to hear it...  

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