Instagram Feed

Showing posts with label comfort zone. Show all posts
Showing posts with label comfort zone. Show all posts

My birds aren't fat...




The birds in my garden aren't fat... they're very well fed... in fact they're pretty spoiled! I feed them in the morning whilst I'm boiling the kettle... I buy them nuts and seeds... I hang up tasty little balls of suet fat for them, where neither the magpies nor the neighbours cat can get at them... they have a fresh bird bath ever week... and for the winter the BBQ becomes a runway for my feathered friends... in fact I have a little robin who is getting a little demanding right now.... and isn't one bit afraid of me! Chirping away in protest when something isn't to his liking!




But he's not fat.. despite having a full buffet in front of him every day... he knows when to stop!

He fluffs about all day ... chirping ... sometimes just sits on the fence in the morning sun with his eyes closed which I just love to see ... he has his own little routine and it's fascinating to watch, but he knows how to stop eating when he's full... he listens to his body... Something he is teaching me!

It's WAY to easy to be over weight these days, that's not an excuse, convenience food has been the demise of our health... it's cheaper to buy 4 large sausage rolls at the deli counter than a punnet of fruit... we can eat strawberries in December, which taste NOTHING like the ones ripened by the sun in the summer and not bat an eyelid... Life is so much faster now... not so long ago, everyone had seasonal fruit and veggies... for a reason.. they're fresher... cheaper... they taste better... anything that has to be forced in a greenhouse and fed isn't in it natural form...

My birds are very picky.. took me ages to work out why some weren't eating certain nuts whilst the blackbirds devoured them.. they only eat what is good for them.. they only eat what they need... and in winter its kinda tough so my little bird house just helps them along, but it's not a binge-fest!

Maybe if we listened to our bodies more.. took a day off from 'DEAR GOD IT'S 1PM I MUST HAVE LUNCH!' and had lunch when we were actually hungry and ate what we really, REALLY wanted... just listened to our bodies, no one would be on a diet! We don't really want chocolate.. our bodies have been conditioned to want chocolate, especially my generation... TV dinners were magic when I was a kid.. space food no less! But my mum always had stew in winter.. salads in summer... and because money was tight junk food didn't feature in my diet until I had to fend for myself!

I recently read a book by Michael Pollan about 'Food Rules'... and it's something my grandmother could have told you... only eat what is in season... if something has an ingredient you can pronounce it's not suppose to be in your body... anything with more than 5 ingredients isn't fresh and is officially called 'processed' .. how many of our grannies had processed food? and this is less than 50 years ago... Chocolates were a treat, not a daily snack to keep our energy up... coffee wasn't on tap... maybe today be like the birds and listen to what your body needs and wants... 








The girl on the right... x

I rarely feel the need for a little 'foreword' on my posts but this one is an exception... I have been lying awake worrying about it... it's been in the 'drafts' box for over a week now... I have thought about editing it, deleting it and just forgetting about it but it was written in a moment of clarity/rage/sadness when I saw this picture... but I decided to be brave and just 'let it go' as Elsa says... There were tears writing it... tears of sadness, tears of regret and happy tears... Today is an very big day for me... and I've finally realised that I need to cut that imaginary 'line' that was connecting me to the past and everything that just totally sucked about it... I have been stuck, very stuck... my epic February 'Spring-Clean-Your-Life-Doll...' has cleared the cobwebs... it's made me realise that I am definitely not the person I used to be (deep huh!?) nor is it the person I want to be anymore... I'm exhausted trying to be both... I've realised it's not about making everyone else happy, it's about making me happy... and if I'm honest, I'm scared to let the past go... I know nothing about my new comfort zone... This pit stop over the last couple of weeks has given me time to see how far I've come... what I've achieved and what I really, REALLY want to do for the rest of my time on this little rock spinning through space... so go easy with me... it's 'totes emosh' as the kids say... 



The girl on the right... is on top of the world... no really, she's on top of the Rockefeller Centre in NYC... It's her birthday and she's smiling, so she must be happy right? It's sunny... she's in New York... what's not to be happy about?!? But she is dying inside... embarrassed, ashamed, mortified... she struggled to get there but pushed through the sore knees, aching back and made it, flustered and breathless but endlessly cheery, so she didn't show up her friends... she carried her coat the entire holiday to use it as a cover to hide her hideous body... she cringed when a stranger took her camera to take a group photo... knowing they were probably, no, definitely judging her... she breathed in deep, thinking it might make SOME kinda of difference... she stood on the edge so if anyone wanted they could cut her out of it... she panicked in restaurants that she shouldn't fit in a booth... she was deeply sad and depressed... she was miserable... 

The girl on the left... is a very different birthday girl... she's at ground zero in Dublin... She's not smiling so much, this journey has been lonely and harder than she thought, but she's brave enough to take a selfie these days... something the girl on the right would never do... She can wear a dress to work and not feel as ashamed as she used to... she's judged on her worth, talent, personality and ability unlike the girl on the right... who got looked up and down many times before anyone took her seriously... she had to prove her worth over and over again... she feels 'normal' now...

The girl on the left, looks in the mirror sometimes and thinks... 'you look OK today...' She can face the world and not get shouted at on the street... or slagged off by some random stranger... people in shops don't look down their nose at her... people don't stare at her in restaurants or comment on what she eats... no one makes her feel like she shouldn't be there...  but sometimes she only sees the girl on the right in the mirror looking back...

I have asked friends and relations to send old photos they have of me... I have none... I dodged nearly every camera at every event and took pictures of everyone else, pulling a Mrs. Doyle from Father Ted attitude ... 'will you all just get in the picture and hurry up! I'm graaaand' kinda tone... So it's very difficult to see me as I really was... I thought I looked  'OK'... I was massively in denial... and very broken...  

The girl on the right was a doormat... freeloaders took advantage of her kindness and people-pleasing ways... she thought that she had to do everything for everyone so they would like her... she got used and walked on by selfish people who thought they could dump their problems on her but never listen to hers... so she internalised them... got sad and lonely... she comforted her depression with food... she abused her body to ease the pain... Her real friends stuck by her... for that she will be eternally grateful...  

The girl on the left... has a 'Fuck. Right. Off!' attitude to most things these days and it's very refreshing... she's kinda sad she lost that over the years, that she wasn't as strong as she should have been... she was hiding behind that blanket of fat, it protected her from the world but it also trapped her...

The girl on the right... she's gone... 

The girl on the left... is both happy and sad about that... she mourns the loss of time and energy she invested in people, colleagues, 'family' who thought she was just useless and would never be good enough, and all the sleepless nights of self doubt... she's sad the girl on the right never went out and lived her bestest life... and that she missed out on so much... she pities her but she's happy to wave goodbye to her... and start living her life without feeling worthless... if you don't like her, she really doesn't care anymore... she doesn't have any time to waste worrying about it... 

Sometimes you've got to take a step back and see how far you've come before you just give up... This is my 'pit stop' at the moment... No one finds it easy... No one knows all the answers... and everyone struggles... but to take a look at where you started and where you are now, it one of the best parts of the journey...

There's another girl to come... she's a bit of a diva... but she's gonna be mad craic lads... just you wait! 





The 105... Brunch Club...





Down near the Dodder in Clonskeagh you will find the 105 Cafe/Bistro... and what a lovely little find it is! A weekend work meeting finished with me treating my colleague to brunch and it ticks all the boxes! 


The menu is varied but has all the usual suspects...



and anyone following my 'poached egg' incident, knows how much I love them... eggs benedict is my treat when I go to brunch and here they are appropriately called 'Hair of the Dog eggs!'



The decor is charming... all the 'shabby chic' you could want without the walls screaming at you!





By the time we got there the place was packed but we got a table in minutes and by the window which is where you want to be if you're dining alone... lots of people watching to be had!


I went for the apple juice from Stameen Farm in Drogheda which is 100% Irish and 100% natural...


The coffee was perfick... and the little milk bottles are just the cutest...



There's a specials board too which is well worth a read!



and for those of you with fur babies.. they're very welcome... you'll be set up out side with your furry pal, water bowls and blankies provided! Considering the walks along the river, it's a great pit stop at the weekend whether your friends have 4 legs or 2!



My 'hair of the dog eggs' arrive like so.... I know.... *drools* 
(note to self never blog whilst hungry!)


Fear not, I asked for the sauce on the side, being all 'good' but it tasted delicious! 


Dippy enough?! You betchya just the way they should be... and FYI, the way I can now make them! YAY!



The worker bee had the full breakfast... it was a long morning to be fair and it was HUGE! I defy anyone to be hungry after trying this!


We were left to linger, no rushing you out the door whilst your still chewing! Beware at the counter when paying though... ALL the good stuff is there.. and the carrot cake in the background... looked AMAZING! Thankfully out of arms length!



The 105 doesn't just do breakfasts... they're open for breakfast, lunch and dinner, check out their opening hours >>> HERE <<< If you're looking for a place to have a 'working lunch' or just a coffee after a stroll... OK fine, power walk! For the rugby types it's a nice walk to the RDS from here too so pre/post match munchies can be had! This is a great spot to drop into! Tell 'em I sent ya! 

You'll find them online...  
FACEBOOK >>> HERE <<<
Twitter >>> HERE <<<
Website >>> HERE <<<






The first time...



We all remember our first time right?! Our first kiss... our first job... our first day at school... for the record... 



... those daunting moments that you look back on now and think, 'what was all the fuss about?!' but these moments are landmarks in our lives... we don't look back on all of them fondly... the first time we lose someone we love, changes us forever... the first time our heart is broken, we question love and others so we never have to feel that hurt again... the first time someone we really trusted let us down... but all of these moments make us who we are... I'm not a very religious person... I'm a humanist of sorts... I believe if you are a good person then you will attract kind and good people... I truly believe in paying it forward... but sometimes people take advantage of that and you end up feeling a bit lost... 




Someone whom I adored but is sadly no longer with us, once told me 'be kind to everyone.. because everyone you see is going to lose everything they love...' I've never forgotten it... Everyone, all of us, are going to lose everything we hold dear... it's kinda scary but very liberating too... because once you get this... you start to focus on what and who really matters in the right now... 

Losing weight, includes a series of 'firsts' that can turn the journey into an adventure... 

The first time you step on the scales... that moment... the shame... the self loathing... the embarrassment... you've let it get out of control and now you're mortified that someone else on the planet knows that number... but you feel a hand on your shoulder from someone who's been there saying... 'that's the last time we'll ever see that number' and you kinda believe it...

The first loss... that moment when you thought 'well it wasn't that hard.. and if I can do it one week, I can do it again next week!' Self belief kicks in... 

The first stone you lose... that number on the scale... people who don't need to lose weight or don't struggle with an eating disorder or emotional eating won't get it... but for those of us who do... you want to stick your silver 7s on your forehead for the day saying 'oh these things?!? .. oh I lost a stone of FAT!' HELL YEAH!

The first dress size you lose... that belt notch going down... you still doubt yourself but you suddenly think.. well I'll need to buy some new stuff.. the first shopping trip that you will ENJOY! 

The first compliment... the 'you're looking well...' the 'have you lost a bit of weight? You look great!' ... now it's a goal that's achievable.. you realise CAN do it... 

The first gain... heartbreaking... but you tried, you did your best right?! or worse, you know you binged and lost the plot and thought you'd get away with it... did you let it spiral out of control? throw the card in the bin and give up? no way! 




The first time you notice your 'friends' attitude changing... they liked you the way you were... you were the fat friend... good old reliable miserable fatty... not this new fangled confident person who just says 'no thanks'! Don't worry about the back stabbers and the haters, the people who try the hardest finding fault in your life, are the people who aren't able to fix the faults in their own! For the record this one really hurts! 

The first saboteur... 'sure ONE slice of cake won't kill you...' No, no it won't but I can't have ONE slice! So you change your routine to avoid being around them and food at the same time! It's sad but if they can't support you then you need to make it clear that something has to change... 


The first 5k you do... I did my first by myself because I didn't want to 'hold anyone back' and honestly it was amazing! You'd swear I'd crossed the olympic line with all the drama *cue the chariots of fire music*... People flying past me doing the 10k circuit shouting encouraging words... one man even stopped to walk along with me for a minute, I could've kissed him! No idea who he is or where he was from but it meant SO much!

The first time strangers understand and support you... Boot camp ladies... I mean you! 

The first time you make a stir fry BETTER than the chinese... OK this takes a bit of practice but it's SO worth it!

The first time you realise.. you're just caring about you... and you matter... and that's OK...

The first time you get on a plane and the seat belt closes... FYI don't scream when that happens... they don't like that in planes! 

The first time you pull up those jeans past the thighs... and the first time the feckin things close!!! 

The first time you zip up those knee high boots all the way! Hallelujah! 



The first charity bag you have of clothes that are too big... 

The first time you really believe you can do it... and the end is in sight... 

The first time you look in the mirror and don't hate what's looking back at you... 

The first family outing, when people do a double take... FYI... THIS ONE IS AWESOME!

The first time someone comments on your new 'attitude'... oh yeah... 

The journey may be long... It's been coming up to 3 years so far for me... it's had it's ups and downs... but ultimately there's a new series of firsts on the horizon... 

First skydive, oh yeah that's happening... first trek abroad, hello Peru! Lots of other bucket list stuff to cross off now that I'm getting fitter and healthier... just remember... if you're starting today or you're halfway through or if you're just at goal... there's another amazing first waiting for you... and as the ad says.. you're worth it! 




PUT YOUR PANTS ON!





Right... January is gone... over... done with... Spring has sprung and we can't be blaming the world and the bad weather and... and... and... everything else for all our woes...

It's February... Set yourself a goal today... Write it down somewhere... on the fridge... on your bathroom mirror... set an alarm every day on your phone and STICK TO IT! Be realistic... 'I want to lose 4lbs this month' ... 'I want to walk a little faster' ... I want to close that button on those jeans... if you lose more BRILLIANT, if your jeans fall off deadly! But don't sit for another month feeling miserable...

I didn't reach my January goal because I'm feeling all sorry for myself... and you know what, the world doesn't care .. it's time to snap out of it! There are 9 weeks to Easter ... NINE!!! If you do what you always do... you get the same results! No more excuses... no more blame game... I am responsible for my weight loss and I'm going to stop feckin' about! If I want it bad enough... I'll do it! Right? RIGHT!?!

SO SNAP OUT OF IT PEOPLE!!!! POSITIVE pants ON!

OK February ya miserable fecker ... BRING IT!


Because...




I've had to give myself a good talking to this morning... remind myself how much I want this... to be healthy... not skinny... not a size 10... but to be happy in my own skin... and it's so easy to veer off path... 

Today... have a think... How badly do you want it? Seriously? How much does it mean to you? Bad enough to make a stand... to fess up in work/home/college to friends/relations ... 'I'm trying to lose a bit of weight and be healthy, I'd really appreciate your support...' You'd be surprised at the reaction... people who you thought would be there, won't be... and others will surprise you with 'I really wanted to say something to you but wasn't sure if you fancied a pal to walk with...' 

The only person who can do it, is you... and you CAN do it! But you've got to WANT it badly enough... Surround yourself with the right people... people who love you and want you to be happy... and you're half way there... 

Because if you want it bad enough... you'll do it! 



Game on...

Normally on a Monday I do a motivational kind of post, something to kick off the week ... it's usually something that's crossed my path that week or something someone has shared or was relevant at the time... but being January we're being bombarded with motivation and it's almost overwhelming... where were you people when I needed you in December?! So todays post is a bit from the heart...



Most people who know me well, know I’ve a bit of a thing for rugby… Since I was a kid, rugby has always been one of those things that's just been there… and yes I swoon over the players… but seriously have you SEEN those thighs..!?!?! I mean LOOK!



And this year is World Cup year so between my regular Leinster games, the Six nations and that...  I'll probably be more annoying than usual but I just love it! I love the game, the passion of the players, the crowd, the atmosphere, getting to the games... just everything about it gives me a buzz... Everyone's got their vice right??!!






Last week a good friend of mine, commented on how much I’ve changed, based on my trip with them to one of Leinster games over Christmas… We don't go to matches together very often but see each other at games for a drink but it'd been a while since we'd sat together, which is a shame cause he's gay and we can perv in peace! I asked him what he meant... but first you'll need a bit of background information... 

Before I lost weight… my mind on match day would go like this… 




Wake up and *panic*... I mean literal panic... fretting and stressing... often contemplating just not going to a game based on my weight... what was I going to wear that would be comfortable? That I could sit in and not be too hot or freeze? I'll need to find out exactly where our seats are… Would I get to sit between two of my friends so I wouldn’t feel like I was invading some poor strangers space… no one wants to sit beside the fatty right?! If I got luckyI'd be at the end of a row... Flat shoes yes… even though I SO wanted to wear my nice winter boots…  regardless of how cold and wet I’d get, flat shoes it was… there’s walking and it would be bad enough that I would be all hot and sweaty just getting there without my knees hurting too… hopefully we’d get a taxi as close to the gate as we could yeah? fingers crossed… Save the knees… or if we were going to the pub first, then we’d meet early enough to get a seat so I wouldn’t be standing for too long… not that any one would know I was hurting… I’d smile through it and be in agony the next day… this was all before I even left the house! Beating on my jersey… feeling like shite because I couldn’t rock it like I really wanted too… making sure I had enough layers to cover my arms but something that would get me through a bite to eat after without looking like I was a stuff toy! Pretending I was the organised one by ordering taxis and restaurants.. with the right seats so no one would have to move for the ‘big girl’ … I was so ashamed of who I was, I still am but I'm working on it ... it's exhausting… and clearly it showed... 



May I just inject with this… no one ever called me out on any of this… people enjoyed my company and my enthusiasm… and no one ever made a comment that made me feel like I didn’t belong… well maybe at the internationals when I was the only one wearing a wallaby jersey in the entire block of Irish supporters but still that just shows passion right?! I did my nails, put on the war paint and all the silly stuff and smiled but it was a constant battle just being there... it's actually ridiculous! 





we even eat rugby cake... 


Getting closer to the stadium I had to negotiate to the turnstiles… I had to negotiate them in my mind first... I never went through them for ages… I always panicked… I always went through the wheelchair access door, with people on crutches, with small kids… I had labeled myself 'disabled' because of my size… only once did I feel embarrassed when the young guy on the gate didn’t know what to say to me when I asked him if I could use that door… he was more embarrassed by it than me I think… and honestly I always fit through them… but my mind was in charge and all the 'what if I got stuck' dramas were being played over and over... I'd be a laughing stock... the girl who got stuck in the turnstiles would be on my headstone... if I had stopped listening to the voices years ago, life would be a lot easier… 

Then the trek to our seats… I made sure I didn’t have to leave my seat at half time so I wouldn’t have to pass lots of people in case someone made a dig at me… the whole row would have to stand up and move out to let the fat girl go to the loo/bar whatever... but no one ever did… No one ever cared… I was a supporter… on their team… I was one of them...  but I’d built up what should have been many wonderful experiences into a stressful, emotional roller coaster, every single game … in my mind I wasn't really one of them.. they were all just being nice to me... showing me pity... but it wasn't... 


The day came last year when I was with a big group of people … some who I didn’t really know that well, friends of friends, and others who didn’t know the mind games in play between my ears before the ACTUAL game … and I HAD to go through them… I HAD TO ... and you know what... I did … with ease… I couldn’t jump about or shout but I texted my best friend and practically ran up the steps in the Aviva! It was a non scale victory that made me so happy… but I had doubted myself for years... No one wants to be ‘different’ everyone wants to fit in…  I’d made life so hard for myself for so long… and there I was.. just strolling through! In fact.. I was holding people up looking at them from the inside! 

Whats this to do with his comment? Well the conversation went like this... 

Him: Geez that was a great night wasn't it?
Me: Oh yeah... 
Him: You really are happier now aren't you?
Me: How do you mean?
Him: Well you just really enjoyed the night... Its lovely to see *hugs me* 
Me: Ah stop... *getting teary* 
Him: Well it's true... I love seeing you happy again... 
Me: I got something in my eye... 

Happier... I am happier... My face wasn't stressed out... I enjoyed the game...  all of it! I didn't have to over think every single moment of the night... I went to the bar at half time and didn't rush back to accommodate anyone else... I wore my fancy boots and went for a burger afterwards and walked most of the way to get it without being out of breathe or needing medical attention... my jersey slipped over my dress and I didn't look like I had got lost on the way to bootcamp or was an unemployable mascot ... I just had a good time and clearly it showed... and when your gay best friend says it.... girlfriend you KNOW he ain't lyin'... 



What's this to do with motivation? The thing is we're all on the same team... even losing weight... no one is an expert... I've got another 5 or 6 stone to go... I struggle just like everyone else does... more so now than before because I get cocky and think that I can do it by myself but I can't... if I could, I'd have done it years ago... but everyone can learn from someone else...  it's the main reason I stay to my meetings even though I should be at work... the tips, new products, recipes and sometimes the kick in the butt is enough to get you going again for the following week... So if you feel like you're on your own you're not... there's plenty of supporters out there shouting for you to succeed and there's no need to rain on anyones parade cause when its your turn, I'm here with my pom poms shouting for you, if you shout for me... deal?! 












Don't give up... #motivationmonday




Plenty of reasons to give up... 
and even more reasons to keep going... 
Remember why you started? 
then don't give up! 



Blog Awards