I rarely feel the need for a little 'foreword' on my posts but this one is an exception... I have been lying awake worrying about it... it's been in the 'drafts' box for over a week now... I have thought about editing it, deleting it and just forgetting about it but it was written in a moment of clarity/rage/sadness when I saw this picture... but I decided to be brave and just 'let it go' as Elsa says... There were tears writing it... tears of sadness, tears of regret and happy tears... Today is an very big day for me... and I've finally realised that I need to cut that imaginary 'line' that was connecting me to the past and everything that just totally sucked about it... I have been stuck, very stuck... my epic February 'Spring-Clean-Your-Life-Doll...' has cleared the cobwebs... it's made me realise that I am definitely not the person I used to be (deep huh!?) nor is it the person I want to be anymore... I'm exhausted trying to be both... I've realised it's not about making everyone else happy, it's about making me happy... and if I'm honest, I'm scared to let the past go... I know nothing about my new comfort zone... This pit stop over the last couple of weeks has given me time to see how far I've come... what I've achieved and what I really, REALLY want to do for the rest of my time on this little rock spinning through space... so go easy with me... it's 'totes emosh' as the kids say...
The girl on the right... is on top of the world... no really, she's on top of the Rockefeller Centre in NYC... It's her birthday and she's smiling, so she must be happy right? It's sunny... she's in New York... what's not to be happy about?!? But she is dying inside... embarrassed, ashamed, mortified... she struggled to get there but pushed through the sore knees, aching back and made it, flustered and breathless but endlessly cheery, so she didn't show up her friends... she carried her coat the entire holiday to use it as a cover to hide her hideous body... she cringed when a stranger took her camera to take a group photo... knowing they were probably, no, definitely judging her... she breathed in deep, thinking it might make SOME kinda of difference... she stood on the edge so if anyone wanted they could cut her out of it... she panicked in restaurants that she shouldn't fit in a booth... she was deeply sad and depressed... she was miserable...
The girl on the left... is a very different birthday girl... she's at ground zero in Dublin... She's not smiling so much, this journey has been lonely and harder than she thought, but she's brave enough to take a selfie these days... something the girl on the right would never do... She can wear a dress to work and not feel as ashamed as she used to... she's judged on her worth, talent, personality and ability unlike the girl on the right... who got looked up and down many times before anyone took her seriously... she had to prove her worth over and over again... she feels 'normal' now...
The girl on the left, looks in the mirror sometimes and thinks... 'you look OK today...' She can face the world and not get shouted at on the street... or slagged off by some random stranger... people in shops don't look down their nose at her... people don't stare at her in restaurants or comment on what she eats... no one makes her feel like she shouldn't be there... but sometimes she only sees the girl on the right in the mirror looking back...
I have asked friends and relations to send old photos they have of me... I have none... I dodged nearly every camera at every event and took pictures of everyone else, pulling a Mrs. Doyle from Father Ted attitude ... 'will you all just get in the picture and hurry up! I'm graaaand' kinda tone... So it's very difficult to see me as I really was... I thought I looked 'OK'... I was massively in denial... and very broken...
The girl on the right was a doormat... freeloaders took advantage of her kindness and people-pleasing ways... she thought that she had to do everything for everyone so they would like her... she got used and walked on by selfish people who thought they could dump their problems on her but never listen to hers... so she internalised them... got sad and lonely... she comforted her depression with food... she abused her body to ease the pain... Her real friends stuck by her... for that she will be eternally grateful...
The girl on the left... has a 'Fuck. Right. Off!' attitude to most things these days and it's very refreshing... she's kinda sad she lost that over the years, that she wasn't as strong as she should have been... she was hiding behind that blanket of fat, it protected her from the world but it also trapped her...
The girl on the right... she's gone...
The girl on the left... is both happy and sad about that... she mourns the loss of time and energy she invested in people, colleagues, 'family' who thought she was just useless and would never be good enough, and all the sleepless nights of self doubt... she's sad the girl on the right never went out and lived her bestest life... and that she missed out on so much... she pities her but she's happy to wave goodbye to her... and start living her life without feeling worthless... if you don't like her, she really doesn't care anymore... she doesn't have any time to waste worrying about it...
Sometimes you've got to take a step back and see how far you've come before you just give up... This is my 'pit stop' at the moment... No one finds it easy... No one knows all the answers... and everyone struggles... but to take a look at where you started and where you are now, it one of the best parts of the journey...
There's another girl to come... she's a bit of a diva... but she's gonna be mad craic lads... just you wait!
Well done! đ and keep up the fantastic work you are doing. You are an inspiration! I totally admire your honesty although I must admit I feel very emotional after reading this.xx
ReplyDeleteAbsolute love for you my friend <3 Thank you for sharing! Victoria, Dublin x
ReplyDeleteThat is so touching. I can so relate to what you said.x Im in the middle of my weight loss journey 3half stone gone 2 to go but still feel worthless and sometimes ugly. I can say I dont hate myself as much as I used to which is progress but I am going to do what you said and draw a line under the past and move on to the future and start realising how well I have done to this point. Positive thinking from now on xxxxx Thanks for sharing xxxx
ReplyDeleteI don't hate myself but I'm very ashamed of myself, don't want to go anywhere with family because I feel like I let them down so I hide and say no a lot. It will be a while before I can get out of that mindset but I'll get out. One day. Thank you for writing this x
ReplyDeleteWell done for writing & sharing such personal thoughts & feelings. That shows real strength. Well done on your journey so far & good luck as you continue to step out
ReplyDeleteI got very emotional reading that - the girl on the right has definately been me, always wanting to please, afraid to say no - but thankyou - I am putting that behind me and moving on!
ReplyDeleteWell said doll. And well done. Its hard to be so open and frank but I admire you so much for it. I thought the same things, felt the same way so often and for so long and I just didn't know how to change. I didn't know that I could. Now I look back and I don't recognise the person that I was physically or emotionally back then. I'm still me, just a happier healthier fitter version and it feels wonderful. I'm not at goal yet but I already feel on top of the world. Thanks for encouraging a bit of reflection and for sharing your journey. :-)
ReplyDeletethat post was so refreshingly honest, I can relate to it all. You are an inspiration. To all oothers who can relate there is this really good movement called 'no body shame' by this girl called whitney who is over 300 lbs due to an illness called PCOS, she also has tv show on TLC called 'whitney: fat girl dancing' its all about accepting yourself and living a full life no matter what your size....
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing that
ReplyDeleteI can relate to so much of it
And it's given me the inspiration to keep going even after a slight gain this week
Congrats on your journey ... Don't be hard on yourself take each day as it comes ... Todays culture of just do what you like and nothing matters just doesn't work we have to be responsible for what we eat and drink at the end of the day .. B nice to wallow in all our vices ... I lost 5 stone with weightwatchers
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your journey with us! This was so inspiring, and I look forward to one day having the same pride to share with others.
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on all you have achieved!
Wow thanks for sharing I really relate and you are an inspiration
ReplyDeleteThis could have been written about me. I am on a weight loss journey too. I've lost 14 stone so far and in many ways life has changed dramatically but I've had years of conditioning and I wish I could find the confidence that you've found. Thank you for your honesty and bravery you are an inspiration.
ReplyDeleteI love your blog. Im struggling with my weight loss at the moment and you have just inspired me to keep going, again. Keep doing what you are doing and thank you.
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing and for your honesty
ReplyDeleteI can't even remember how I found your blog but I'm so glad I did. You're inspirational, motivational and so positive and supportive.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that girl on the right needs a lot of credit for deciding to become the girl on the left..... And beyond. :) x
ReplyDeleteYou're wonderful! x
ReplyDeleteThis is so inspiring and from the heart. You should be so proud...think of all you have achieved!
ReplyDeleteCongratulations on your weight loss achievement to date. The journey and reflection sounds painful. Your honesty is very inspiring and I am delighted to see your days are brighter now. Best of luck with the rest of your journey. Dx
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person xx
ReplyDeleteAmazing - I'm still the girl on the right but on my way to the left. Your inspiring posts are helping me get there xx
ReplyDeleteDoll, you are a Brave, Amazing and Inspiring lady.. Just keep going and doing what your doing, because its working for you and making you the fab lady that we all know and love xxx
ReplyDeleteME TOO. I SAY YEEESSSSSSSSS YO ALL OF THIS .... U R SU H A BEAUTIFUL BEAUTIFUL GIRL AND I just walk in yiur shadiw as Im on a LONGGG trek yo lose around 12 st or so and am only 1/3 of the way there... but you have helpes me with your wit and wee tuos and youre fun aling the way. Things we want most in life usually have to be waited for a longggg time.... but are MOST worth it. I LOVE YOU skinny doll and am right here in N ire supporting and walking with u xxx ((-;
ReplyDeleteOmg I can relate so much to your story, you look fab... Congrats to you....
ReplyDeleteI've just joined your blog this evening.. I'm really lonely and need support to lose a lot of weight ... Delighted I googled "lose weight blogs" and came across yours.. I will help you along this journey :))