I've had a meh evening ... you know the kind... just blah... groan, moan, groan.. and now I can't sleep so you lucky lot are getting an emotional post, you've been warned...
I watched the Obesity clinic tonight on RTE1. Anyone else feel like they've been wearing they're judgey pants sometimes?
I've been that size, I'm over 4 stone lighter than my highest weight… and yes I know I have more to lose… I have friends, good dear friends, who are interesting, funny, intelligent people who are obese.. and struggle… yes, struggle with food… I've been bulimic… I'm using the past tense there but I don't think that it will ever go away if I'm honest… But I struggle with food.. and people who don't, don't understand what its like.. 'why don't you just lose weight?' Well gee why didn't I think of that?!?! is that really all I have to do? Its like telling an alcoholic they can't ever have a drink again.. but alcoholics can survive without a drink, you can lock them away from their addiction.. you can't live without eating… and its the emotional connection.. the highs .. and subsequent lows that any addictive substance gives you… the buzz… I have regularly been in the whirl of emotion where you just can't see any other way to feel better than a tub of ice-cream followed by cake.. then biscuits.. then bread and god knows what else and that feeling.. that 'high' almost … and the crashing lows and feelings of disgust when you sit in a pool of tears wondering how someone as clever as you got there, and you have to drag yourself up off the floor and try to make sense of it…
I thought I had my life all sorted yet I resorted to abusing my body like that, and it never made much sense … I'm a very lucky soul… I have a wonderful life, I'm very privileged, there are people a million times worse off than me… but here I was eating my life away… why? I don't really know… even now.. I have those days of that feeling of pure hatred for myself.. and the more people tell you.. 'you look well'… 'you've lost weight'.. and the classic… 'you've got such a pretty face' just make you want to bury your head deeper and deeper into that momentary safe place where the sense of satisfaction is briefly saving you.. till it comes crashing down around you and the nausea kicks in.. and the remorse you feel…and the notions going through your mind of how you can undo what you've just done… and how you've let yourself down.. your family… friends…
Food takes that deep pain away, it distracts you from whats really going on in your head… and trying to address it is one of the hardest things I've ever done.. but I appear to be winning that battle thanks to an amazing counsellor… 10 kms a week in the pool … a group of like minded bootcamp friends who get it… but most importantly, a small but perfectly formed group of gals who I know I can pour my heart out to and they see beyond the fat to who I am and know that theres more to me… these women are consistent in my life and they amaze me, these lovely, stunning, amazing and loyal women.. from heart to soul... together we can be, confused, determined, irritated, joyous, mixed up, sad, loving, overwhelmed, desperate, sassy, imperfect, silly, secure, messy, vulnerable, intrigued, lost and found and show all of it and more.. anytime.. all the time.. they know all about you and love you just the same and never need to forgive because they never hold on to anything long enough for it to even matter, they know life gets messy for everyone and judgement is not an option... ever.. and one day, not so long ago, the penny dropped that maybe, just maybe, I'm worth all this and more.. and perhaps there's a lot more of my story left to be told…
I'm not quite sure at what point it started to consume me… everyone has the lows in their life and I suppose I just didn't deal with mine.. from my massive insecurities in my childhood, bullying in my teens to personal tragedies that I have just ran away from, literally .. I sugar coated them and spread them with nutella and swallowed them whole.. and once I realized they didn't taste very nice.. I tried to purge them.. thinking if I purged the food .. all the sadness would come up with it and I'd be done…TA DA! right?! Things I should have dealt with years ago, still irk me, although I'm addressing these things one by one, at the moment its snowballing and I'm feeling massive changes to the point that I can now look behind me and see where I was.. the line has shifted .. and yes, there are some days wonder if I'll ever win the battle.. I've lost good friends, lovers, maybe even soul mates because of bulimia.. I've denied myself the joys of socializing because clearly everyone would be staring at me eating my dinner.. judging me if I order a burger.. no one was ever minding they're own business and enjoying their dinner were they?! It is all about me yeah? I've declined meeting up with people who I know would be amazing friends because I feared I wasn't good enough to even be theirs… WHY would anyone want to be seen with me? To the point when even trip to the hairdresser I would be apologizing for my very existence … these have been tough hurdles, some days I party the blues away... myself and Gordons numbed the pain temporarily until the hangovers surpassed the fun! But as a believer in fate and karma, I regularly roll out the 'its meant to be' and as my grandmother used to say .. 'if it's meant for you .. it won't pass you by…' and I slowly started to believe it..
Watching that programme tonight.. seeing that young boy, wise beyond his years, saying 'I can't judge anyone until know them, because I know what its like for my dad to struggle with obesity and its not who he is'.. made me hope that more people will learn from him…
So judgey pants off people… that person who you momentarily stare at because they're bigger than you.. they're funny and charming… and know all about the history of art, they can paint a still life better than you can tie your shoes.. they've built houses and make mean cakes… they're better than you at the Irish times crossword and can belt out a tune at karaoke that would put you to shame… they have fat.. they are not fat… there's a difference..
Normal, less emotional service resumes tomorrow…
Doll x