The girl on the right... x

I rarely feel the need for a little 'foreword' on my posts but this one is an exception... I have been lying awake worrying about it... it's been in the 'drafts' box for over a week now... I have thought about editing it, deleting it and just forgetting about it but it was written in a moment of clarity/rage/sadness when I saw this picture... but I decided to be brave and just 'let it go' as Elsa says... There were tears writing it... tears of sadness, tears of regret and happy tears... Today is an very big day for me... and I've finally realised that I need to cut that imaginary 'line' that was connecting me to the past and everything that just totally sucked about it... I have been stuck, very stuck... my epic February 'Spring-Clean-Your-Life-Doll...' has cleared the cobwebs... it's made me realise that I am definitely not the person I used to be (deep huh!?) nor is it the person I want to be anymore... I'm exhausted trying to be both... I've realised it's not about making everyone else happy, it's about making me happy... and if I'm honest, I'm scared to let the past go... I know nothing about my new comfort zone... This pit stop over the last couple of weeks has given me time to see how far I've come... what I've achieved and what I really, REALLY want to do for the rest of my time on this little rock spinning through space... so go easy with me... it's 'totes emosh' as the kids say... 

The girl on the right... is on top of the world... no really, she's on top of the Rockefeller Centre in NYC... It's her birthday and she's smiling, so she must be happy right? It's sunny... she's in New York... what's not to be happy about?!? But she is dying inside... embarrassed, ashamed, mortified... she struggled to get there but pushed through the sore knees, aching back and made it, flustered and breathless but endlessly cheery, so she didn't show up her friends... she carried her coat the entire holiday to use it as a cover to hide her hideous body... she cringed when a stranger took her camera to take a group photo... knowing they were probably, no, definitely judging her... she breathed in deep, thinking it might make SOME kinda of difference... she stood on the edge so if anyone wanted they could cut her out of it... she panicked in restaurants that she shouldn't fit in a booth... she was deeply sad and depressed... she was miserable... 

The girl on the left... is a very different birthday girl... she's at ground zero in Dublin... She's not smiling so much, this journey has been lonely and harder than she thought, but she's brave enough to take a selfie these days... something the girl on the right would never do... She can wear a dress to work and not feel as ashamed as she used to... she's judged on her worth, talent, personality and ability unlike the girl on the right... who got looked up and down many times before anyone took her seriously... she had to prove her worth over and over again... she feels 'normal' now...

The girl on the left, looks in the mirror sometimes and thinks... 'you look OK today...' She can face the world and not get shouted at on the street... or slagged off by some random stranger... people in shops don't look down their nose at her... people don't stare at her in restaurants or comment on what she eats... no one makes her feel like she shouldn't be there...  but sometimes she only sees the girl on the right in the mirror looking back...

I have asked friends and relations to send old photos they have of me... I have none... I dodged nearly every camera at every event and took pictures of everyone else, pulling a Mrs. Doyle from Father Ted attitude ... 'will you all just get in the picture and hurry up! I'm graaaand' kinda tone... So it's very difficult to see me as I really was... I thought I looked  'OK'... I was massively in denial... and very broken...  

The girl on the right was a doormat... freeloaders took advantage of her kindness and people-pleasing ways... she thought that she had to do everything for everyone so they would like her... she got used and walked on by selfish people who thought they could dump their problems on her but never listen to hers... so she internalised them... got sad and lonely... she comforted her depression with food... she abused her body to ease the pain... Her real friends stuck by her... for that she will be eternally grateful...  

The girl on the left... has a 'Fuck. Right. Off!' attitude to most things these days and it's very refreshing... she's kinda sad she lost that over the years, that she wasn't as strong as she should have been... she was hiding behind that blanket of fat, it protected her from the world but it also trapped her...

The girl on the right... she's gone... 

The girl on the left... is both happy and sad about that... she mourns the loss of time and energy she invested in people, colleagues, 'family' who thought she was just useless and would never be good enough, and all the sleepless nights of self doubt... she's sad the girl on the right never went out and lived her bestest life... and that she missed out on so much... she pities her but she's happy to wave goodbye to her... and start living her life without feeling worthless... if you don't like her, she really doesn't care anymore... she doesn't have any time to waste worrying about it... 

Sometimes you've got to take a step back and see how far you've come before you just give up... This is my 'pit stop' at the moment... No one finds it easy... No one knows all the answers... and everyone struggles... but to take a look at where you started and where you are now, it one of the best parts of the journey...

There's another girl to come... she's a bit of a diva... but she's gonna be mad craic lads... just you wait! 

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The first time...

We all remember our first time right?! Our first kiss... our first job... our first day at school... for the record... 

... those daunting moments that you look back on now and think, 'what was all the fuss about?!' but these moments are landmarks in our lives... we don't look back on all of them fondly... the first time we lose someone we love, changes us forever... the first time our heart is broken, we question love and others so we never have to feel that hurt again... the first time someone we really trusted let us down... but all of these moments make us who we are... I'm not a very religious person... I'm a humanist of sorts... I believe if you are a good person then you will attract kind and good people... I truly believe in paying it forward... but sometimes people take advantage of that and you end up feeling a bit lost... 

Someone whom I adored but is sadly no longer with us, once told me 'be kind to everyone.. because everyone you see is going to lose everything they love...' I've never forgotten it... Everyone, all of us, are going to lose everything we hold dear... it's kinda scary but very liberating too... because once you get this... you start to focus on what and who really matters in the right now... 

Losing weight, includes a series of 'firsts' that can turn the journey into an adventure... 

The first time you step on the scales... that moment... the shame... the self loathing... the embarrassment... you've let it get out of control and now you're mortified that someone else on the planet knows that number... but you feel a hand on your shoulder from someone who's been there saying... 'that's the last time we'll ever see that number' and you kinda believe it...

The first loss... that moment when you thought 'well it wasn't that hard.. and if I can do it one week, I can do it again next week!' Self belief kicks in... 

The first stone you lose... that number on the scale... people who don't need to lose weight or don't struggle with an eating disorder or emotional eating won't get it... but for those of us who do... you want to stick your silver 7s on your forehead for the day saying 'oh these things?!? .. oh I lost a stone of FAT!' HELL YEAH!

The first dress size you lose... that belt notch going down... you still doubt yourself but you suddenly think.. well I'll need to buy some new stuff.. the first shopping trip that you will ENJOY! 

The first compliment... the 'you're looking well...' the 'have you lost a bit of weight? You look great!' ... now it's a goal that's achievable.. you realise CAN do it... 

The first gain... heartbreaking... but you tried, you did your best right?! or worse, you know you binged and lost the plot and thought you'd get away with it... did you let it spiral out of control? throw the card in the bin and give up? no way! 

The first time you notice your 'friends' attitude changing... they liked you the way you were... you were the fat friend... good old reliable miserable fatty... not this new fangled confident person who just says 'no thanks'! Don't worry about the back stabbers and the haters, the people who try the hardest finding fault in your life, are the people who aren't able to fix the faults in their own! For the record this one really hurts! 

The first saboteur... 'sure ONE slice of cake won't kill you...' No, no it won't but I can't have ONE slice! So you change your routine to avoid being around them and food at the same time! It's sad but if they can't support you then you need to make it clear that something has to change... 

The first 5k you do... I did my first by myself because I didn't want to 'hold anyone back' and honestly it was amazing! You'd swear I'd crossed the olympic line with all the drama *cue the chariots of fire music*... People flying past me doing the 10k circuit shouting encouraging words... one man even stopped to walk along with me for a minute, I could've kissed him! No idea who he is or where he was from but it meant SO much!

The first time strangers understand and support you... Boot camp ladies... I mean you! 

The first time you make a stir fry BETTER than the chinese... OK this takes a bit of practice but it's SO worth it!

The first time you realise.. you're just caring about you... and you matter... and that's OK...

The first time you get on a plane and the seat belt closes... FYI don't scream when that happens... they don't like that in planes! 

The first time you pull up those jeans past the thighs... and the first time the feckin things close!!! 

The first time you zip up those knee high boots all the way! Hallelujah! 

The first charity bag you have of clothes that are too big... 

The first time you really believe you can do it... and the end is in sight... 

The first time you look in the mirror and don't hate what's looking back at you... 

The first family outing, when people do a double take... FYI... THIS ONE IS AWESOME!

The first time someone comments on your new 'attitude'... oh yeah... 

The journey may be long... It's been coming up to 3 years so far for me... it's had it's ups and downs... but ultimately there's a new series of firsts on the horizon... 

First skydive, oh yeah that's happening... first trek abroad, hello Peru! Lots of other bucket list stuff to cross off now that I'm getting fitter and healthier... just remember... if you're starting today or you're halfway through or if you're just at goal... there's another amazing first waiting for you... and as the ad says.. you're worth it! 

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I love...

Love.. today is ALL about the love... Everyone deserves to be loved... biggest problem I can see is we don't love ourselves enough... and it's not a selfish thing to love yourself... in fact if we showed our bodies a little more TLC we'd be a lot happier as a race... we have such a bad opinions of ourselves... we strive for 'perfection'...  but who decides what perfection is?! Some size 6 supermodel? Some editor of a magazine full of air brushed women? Every single one of us is perfect... that dimple... that gap in your teeth... that cows lick... that's what makes you YOU! and all those little things are adorable... cute... sexy... beautiful...

The world is full of self doubt... if we don't conform to a specific size... if our hair is the wrong style.. color... if we're too tall... short... skinny... fat... if our skin isn't clear and tanned the right colour...  someones going to judge us and we're at the top of the queue to pick out all the faults... the more you put yourself down... the more you believe it... and its just NOT TRUE!

This morning... on the day of lurve... when you're at the mirror... brushing your teeth... doing your make up, say something nice to the person looking back at you.. GO ON! That person is amazing.. that person is great craic... they're a loyal friend and honest... You're real friends will tell you just that ... You're awesome... and they'll be there for you when the self doubt creeps in...

So today... shoulders back... stand tall... and love who you are... on this whole planet of 7 billion people... there's only ONE you! No one else like you exists and that's pretty awesome!

Mwah!

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Game on...

Normally on a Monday I do a motivational kind of post, something to kick off the week ... it's usually something that's crossed my path that week or something someone has shared or was relevant at the time... but being January we're being bombarded with motivation and it's almost overwhelming... where were you people when I needed you in December?! So todays post is a bit from the heart...

Most people who know me well, know I’ve a bit of a thing for rugby… Since I was a kid, rugby has always been one of those things that's just been there… and yes I swoon over the players… but seriously have you SEEN those thighs..!?!?! I mean LOOK!

And this year is World Cup year so between my regular Leinster games, the Six nations and that...  I'll probably be more annoying than usual but I just love it! I love the game, the passion of the players, the crowd, the atmosphere, getting to the games... just everything about it gives me a buzz... Everyone's got their vice right??!!

Last week a good friend of mine, commented on how much I’ve changed, based on my trip with them to one of Leinster games over Christmas… We don't go to matches together very often but see each other at games for a drink but it'd been a while since we'd sat together, which is a shame cause he's gay and we can perv in peace! I asked him what he meant... but first you'll need a bit of background information... 

Before I lost weight… my mind on match day would go like this… 

Wake up and *panic*... I mean literal panic... fretting and stressing... often contemplating just not going to a game based on my weight... what was I going to wear that would be comfortable? That I could sit in and not be too hot or freeze? I'll need to find out exactly where our seats are… Would I get to sit between two of my friends so I wouldn’t feel like I was invading some poor strangers space… no one wants to sit beside the fatty right?! If I got luckyI'd be at the end of a row... Flat shoes yes… even though I SO wanted to wear my nice winter boots…  regardless of how cold and wet I’d get, flat shoes it was… there’s walking and it would be bad enough that I would be all hot and sweaty just getting there without my knees hurting too… hopefully we’d get a taxi as close to the gate as we could yeah? fingers crossed… Save the knees… or if we were going to the pub first, then we’d meet early enough to get a seat so I wouldn’t be standing for too long… not that any one would know I was hurting… I’d smile through it and be in agony the next day… this was all before I even left the house! Beating on my jersey… feeling like shite because I couldn’t rock it like I really wanted too… making sure I had enough layers to cover my arms but something that would get me through a bite to eat after without looking like I was a stuff toy! Pretending I was the organised one by ordering taxis and restaurants.. with the right seats so no one would have to move for the ‘big girl’ … I was so ashamed of who I was, I still am but I'm working on it ... it's exhausting… and clearly it showed... 

May I just inject with this… no one ever called me out on any of this… people enjoyed my company and my enthusiasm… and no one ever made a comment that made me feel like I didn’t belong… well maybe at the internationals when I was the only one wearing a wallaby jersey in the entire block of Irish supporters but still that just shows passion right?! I did my nails, put on the war paint and all the silly stuff and smiled but it was a constant battle just being there... it's actually ridiculous! 

we even eat rugby cake... 

Getting closer to the stadium I had to negotiate to the turnstiles… I had to negotiate them in my mind first... I never went through them for ages… I always panicked… I always went through the wheelchair access door, with people on crutches, with small kids… I had labeled myself 'disabled' because of my size… only once did I feel embarrassed when the young guy on the gate didn’t know what to say to me when I asked him if I could use that door… he was more embarrassed by it than me I think… and honestly I always fit through them… but my mind was in charge and all the 'what if I got stuck' dramas were being played over and over... I'd be a laughing stock... the girl who got stuck in the turnstiles would be on my headstone... if I had stopped listening to the voices years ago, life would be a lot easier… 

Then the trek to our seats… I made sure I didn’t have to leave my seat at half time so I wouldn’t have to pass lots of people in case someone made a dig at me… the whole row would have to stand up and move out to let the fat girl go to the loo/bar whatever... but no one ever did… No one ever cared… I was a supporter… on their team… I was one of them...  but I’d built up what should have been many wonderful experiences into a stressful, emotional roller coaster, every single game … in my mind I wasn't really one of them.. they were all just being nice to me... showing me pity... but it wasn't... 

The day came last year when I was with a big group of people … some who I didn’t really know that well, friends of friends, and others who didn’t know the mind games in play between my ears before the ACTUAL game … and I HAD to go through them… I HAD TO ... and you know what... I did … with ease… I couldn’t jump about or shout but I texted my best friend and practically ran up the steps in the Aviva! It was a non scale victory that made me so happy… but I had doubted myself for years... No one wants to be ‘different’ everyone wants to fit in…  I’d made life so hard for myself for so long… and there I was.. just strolling through! In fact.. I was holding people up looking at them from the inside! 

Whats this to do with his comment? Well the conversation went like this... 

Him: Geez that was a great night wasn't it?
Me: Oh yeah... 
Him: You really are happier now aren't you?
Me: How do you mean?
Him: Well you just really enjoyed the night... Its lovely to see *hugs me* 
Me: Ah stop... *getting teary* 
Him: Well it's true... I love seeing you happy again... 
Me: I got something in my eye... 

Happier... I am happier... My face wasn't stressed out... I enjoyed the game...  all of it! I didn't have to over think every single moment of the night... I went to the bar at half time and didn't rush back to accommodate anyone else... I wore my fancy boots and went for a burger afterwards and walked most of the way to get it without being out of breathe or needing medical attention... my jersey slipped over my dress and I didn't look like I had got lost on the way to bootcamp or was an unemployable mascot ... I just had a good time and clearly it showed... and when your gay best friend says it.... girlfriend you KNOW he ain't lyin'... 

What's this to do with motivation? The thing is we're all on the same team... even losing weight... no one is an expert... I've got another 5 or 6 stone to go... I struggle just like everyone else does... more so now than before because I get cocky and think that I can do it by myself but I can't... if I could, I'd have done it years ago... but everyone can learn from someone else...  it's the main reason I stay to my meetings even though I should be at work... the tips, new products, recipes and sometimes the kick in the butt is enough to get you going again for the following week... So if you feel like you're on your own you're not... there's plenty of supporters out there shouting for you to succeed and there's no need to rain on anyones parade cause when its your turn, I'm here with my pom poms shouting for you, if you shout for me... deal?! 

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Don't make resolutions...

Yep.. you read it right... don't do it... don't promise yourself you'll lose 5 stone by Paddys Day... don't pressure yourself by telling everyone you're going to the gym 5 times a week... You're giving up bread for the year... no... just no... 

Every year people make resolutions and end up feeling like crap when they can't keep up with them... if you already go to the gym 5 times a week and did so before Christmas then it's some thing you can already do... you don't need to put pressure on yourself because its a New Year... You can re-evaluate ... make healthier choices of course, but Easter will come with all the chocolate eggs, Bank Holidays will be here bringing BBQs and picnics outside (I'm optimist about the weather aren't I?!?!), Pancake Tuesday will arrive, with all the Nutella and before you know it we'll be back at Summer holidays and facing Christmas again, I'm not wishing my life away but life is too short... and life is to be lived... and making resolutions that aren't realistic just adds to the misery of the January blues... So here's my thinking... make a plan not a resolution... 

Promise yourself one thing and one thing only ... to be a better version of you... to be less stressed, feed your body better and be happy with who you are... these aren't resolutions... they're things you should be trying to do every day of the year... these are things your need to do everyday to be a better, happier and calmer person... 

Life will throw things at us in 2015... family get poorly, some of us will lose people we love, work will get on top of us... we'll struggle with money and not having enough time to do things, we'll feel down at certain times of the year and be miserable, just like every year ... those are the times that can make you lose focus on being healthier... you don't have the time or energy to treat yourself well, and you put yourself last on the list... we rush to get everything done for everyone else and our bodies suffer because of it... so this year instead of making a 'resolution' and then live in fear of breaking it and feeling lost when you realise you can't keep it up along with everything else... make a pact with yourself to look after you... and when you're at your best... everyone else benefits! A happier you.. means a happier person to be around and kicking yourself because you didn't make the gym 5 times doesn't help any one... throw in a little walk and get over yourself... you're still being kinder to you, and your family and friends will reap the benefits... 

Year after year I made resolutions, joined gyms, quit being any fun, only to fall at the first or second hurdle into a pancake in February! Then hating myself for being such a loser.. I was horrible and mean to myself... 'I'm useless'... 'I'm always going to be a failure'... 'what was the point, when I can't even last a month?!' and the cycle would continue...

It's not selfish to take time to look after yourself... to treat yourself... you become a nicer person to be around... so take your 10 mins to breathe, paint your nails or make that hair appointment... when you're so busy trying to take care of everyone else you can forget about you... So just try this mantra for the year ... 

Have wonderful New Year Celebrations wherever you may be... 

It's my favourite holiday of the year!!! 

and a sincere thank you to everyone who has been on here, reading, following, 

supporting and kicking my butt when I needed it! Thanks to all who did the challenges... 

I hope everyone enjoyed them as much as I did... 

and here's to a continued success for all in a healthier and happier 2015!

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Me...

Ahhh Monday, here you are again... you know most weeks, something flies along my twitter timeline or pops up on Facebook or I spot something online that inspires my Monday Motivation post... But last week something happened that made me think this Monday it should probably be about me... *wipes sweat off brow* they should give out bravery awards in Weight Watchers ya know!!!

Last Thursday I walked into my Weight Watchers class thinking maybe, just maybe, I had hit the 100lb loss, I had been fecking about for about for weeks but my tracker was perfect... I'd walked... drank water... swam... surely this week...  

At a glance, the room looked a little different... I spotted my usual leader wasn't taking the class... Instead there was someone beside the scales, someone I felt I already knew... her before and after pics have been all over the place... I read her blog all the time... I follow her on Facebook... she's a Weight Watcher leader herself ... and all my Irish followers would know her from her amazing blog the Niptuck Food Blog!!! I know right!!! 

You know they say you should never meet your heroes... Well lemme tell ya... she is awesome! I couldn't bring myself to tell her who I was, I'm a big chicken, roasted and stuffed with gravy... oooohhhh... (mental note: never write blog posts when hungry!)...  plus I'm painfully shy about admitting who I am, people who know me in real life would never guess that being I'm so gobby... I always think people have an expectation and they will be bitterly disappointed when they meet me... But I was so distracted by her and her fab figure (and cute sneakers BTW!)... her before and after pics were at the scales large as life and they are SO inspirational! So when I stood on the scales, it took me a minute to notice that the 3.5lb loss had pushed me over the 100lb loss!!! 

Amazing? Yes! Inspirational? Yes! Motivating? Yes! Hardest thing I've ever done?! Abso-feckin-loutely!! 

It has been hard... really hard... disheartening... I've wanted to give up so many times.. I have binged... not tracked... cried... been so angry with myself... driven round the roundabout on the way to class twice talking myself into going, people of Terenure I'm not lost I swear... I've had two amazing leaders and honestly that's half the battle... I'm happy to get a telling off every Thursday when I know I've been bold... but I also want someone who understands how much I want this and when I've tried hard and the results aren't showing, I just need a bit of a lift... both of them have done that... But for every 'you've stayed the same' or 'You're down a half pound..' Here I am, 7stone 3.5lbs lighter... in my mind, I'm over the hardest part and I'll tell you why... 

Before I started "properly", you know that 'Oprah moment' you're suppose to have... well something just clicked... I'd had enough, I was so fed up with myself... My knees hurt... I had no neck... I was breathless doing the smallest things... I was judged for my size... Not my skills or personality... But I stuck with it this time... I'm now at a point where some of the things on my 'I'm Done' list >>> HERE  <<< are well and truly done... I'm never going back there... Below are my weigh-in cards for the last two years (I re-wrote them out neatly)... It's baby steps... This weight didn't go on overnight... I didn't go to bed and wake up 10 stone heavier... I'm an emotional gal... Food was my friend when I thought I had none... I was at a very low point... Slowly but surely, I've taken better care of myself and stopped worrying about others who didn't worry about me... I'm a people pleaser... and I realised I had to start pleasing myself first, put ME at the top of my list for a change...  Despite the number on the scales... I can buckle a belt on a plane, FYI never scream in delight in an enclosed plane... ahem... I can walk upstairs without stopping... I can shop in 'normal' shops... I've got my collarbones back, nearly... My blood pressure / skin / energy levels are all better! I can walk into a restaurant and not care who is staring at me ... I'm having my lunch and pointing it so feck off... I appear to have developed a bit of an attitude problem too! 

Sometimes we get so hung up on a number... Here's a non scale victory that happened to me a couple of weeks ago coming through passport control in Dublin Airport... 

Security guard: NEXT! 

Me: *hands over passport trying to look like I'm not a terrorist* (What is that about?!?)

Security guard: *silence* *looks at me... looks at passport* ... *looks at me again.. looks at passport*  *finally speaks...* 'Is this your passport?'

Me: 'um.. Yes... God aahhh ...' 

      *panics and pulls a face that makes me look like I've a handbag full of cocaine*

Security guard: 'Have you lost a bit of weight?'  

Me: 'oh... um.. yes' *beetroot face* 'I'm doing weight watchers... 

      Down 6 and a half stone so far...' 

Security guard: 'Fair play to ya ... Next!' 

so yeah... 

Morto!!! I wanted to kiss him but the queue behind me was massive and everyone was tired, wanted to get the hell outta there... but if I was a little bit braver and a bit more mental, I would have thrown a look at the 'judgey' people in the queue and shouted 'So there!' ... Well that, and I'm pretty sure that safety glass is tough... and I don't want to be done for assault in the airport...  Ahem... 

So.. What's the bottom line? How did I do it? What miracle was it? Simple... 

I didn't give up this time... 

Losing weight takes time... It doesn't matter what plan you follow, ProPoints, F&H, Syns, counting calories... it's healthy eating, portion control and exercise... and whatever suits YOU... people often tell me to follow this or that plan... no thanks... I'm happy doing it my way and well done you for doing it yours... but clearly this is what works for me... when I stick with it... 

Life happens, and some weeks your body will go against you... but don't give up... periods, bloating, the ice cream man, that one cocktail that turned into a full blown night with a full Irish the next morning ... no matter what, there will always be a wedding, birthday, BBQ, but just enjoy it... In 100 years time will anyone worry that you were ONLY down half a pound last week?! Get a little perspective, life is too short to be miserable...  

Measure yourself, that muscle V fat is true... and some people get so upset not realising they're toning up... if only they tried on a tight pair of jeans they would realise their body is changing! My three rolls of belly fat are now just one big belly... yes its big but if you throw me a 'OMG she's huge' look... I'll whip out my WW card so fast you'll be blinded by the silver sevens on the back! 

and, finally... half a pound is a massive achievement!!! Don't knock it... look at my cards... it's slow and steady... there's ups and downs... and there's still a way to go.. I'm no where near my goal yet but my body is now at a place where I can work with it better... swim faster... walk further... I feel better about myself... and I know its a cliche but seriously, if I can do it... anyone can... 

I started WW many times but this is when I decided enough was enough and I started to record my losses properly on the 2nd August...

Wanna hear something funny... I thought by starting in August, no one would see me in class until the September 'rush' and surely I'd have given up by then... 

Whatever you do this week... take it a day at a time... a meal at a time... an hour at a time... but remember you're doing it for you... so don't give up on yourself! xxx

*hides under desk* 

  

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