At 3am this morning I was making pancake batter … Not my usual 3am snack choice when I’m raiding the fridge … but tonight no one was falling home… tonight we were revving up to walk for someone special… runners were donned… hoodies on.. a lick of lip balm to finish off the look …
This morning I walked with my loved ones for Pieta House… The Darkness into Light 5k… when we got to Bray strand … there was already a buzz… the rain had stopped… the sound of waves crashing just made you breathe deep and soak up the salty air… and the mood was very special… positive… talking to strangers with their stories at the start and finish… that acknowledging nod... everyone was there for a reason... everyone understood... smiling at the jack russells being carried up the hill cause their legs were too short… the runners, the walkers, the joggers… the dogs… the kids… all crossing the line with one thought on their mind … never forget there’s always light at the end of tunnel… regardless of whether you have lost someone to suicide … the 80,000 Irish both here and in London and Sydney were doing something good... reminding the world that suicide isn't a dirty word...
I did this walk for three reasons…
Firstly my family has been effected by suicide… to be fair there isn’t a family in Ireland who hasn’t been touched by it… and being your typical big Irish family with the majority in construction and engineering we were bound to be touched by it … My mum is the eldest of 12… my dad in the middle of 10… I have 64 cousins last count… and we learned the hard way to hound people to talk to each other… or talk to someone… when I see someone I love down in the dumps I make them talk to me… if you’re a regular here you’ll know I’m a chatterbox… I’ve told them some of my deepest secrets, so they know they can spill and know I won’t tell a soul… I’ve coughed up the cash for counsellors so ‘mam will never know’ but at least they can talk to someone about it, if they can’t tell me… but we are always on constant alert with a family full of young people in times like these…
Secondly, in my close group of friends… I know people who have lost a dad, sister, brother, cousin, best friend, soul mate and son… I’m not related to them but I know how they feel… and there really are no words… but this little walk lets them know I get it… and I love them…
My third reason for walking… Neil Gordon James… Neil was my best friend in Uni… people always said we’d make a great couple, many often asked if we were but we were just too busy being best friends to ever start a romance… we did make a pinky promise that if we both hit 40 and hadn’t met ‘the one’ we’d hook up and have beautiful tall blonde haired children with a cheeky Irish sense of humour who would be great at life drawing… I sorted out his veruccas and when he asked for the ‘truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth’ about periods… I let him have it.. he walked out of the room green in the face but with a huge amount of respect for women! I loved him… perhaps the fact we were both only children gave us such a close bond, we were the long lost siblings that we never had… he cheered me up with just his smile… he was 6’5 and so skinny it wasn’t fair… we pulled all nighters when dissertations needed to be handed in… got drunk and hungover together so many times I couldn’t even count… he always left a toasted tea cake on my desk when I was PMT’d… I usually growled at him … he was one of the good eggs in life…
In third year, he failed his exams… had to repeat them in the summer… and whilst I scamped off to Greece to do bar work* for 3 months .. *sunbathe and chase boys … he was studying… I couldn’t wait to get back to show him my tan and revel in the stories of dodgy greeks and making up cocktails for the locals because we really hadn’t a clue what we were doing! That first day back I met him at registration… I ran to him threw my arms around him and squealed! I missed my best friend and his curly hair… I wafted about in a white cotton top to show off the tan and was wearing green levis… I fit into levis back then… sigh… he was so full of beans… we spent the afternoon catching up on the grass outside… That night our gang had decided since the grants were in, we’d have a sit down meal in a ‘proper’ Chinese restaurant! It is crystal clear in my head… we laughed so much… everyone had holiday stories … and we were so looking forward to being in 4th year… we were finally there… and it was all ahead of us… we were young, free, in college and had another year before we had to face the real world but we were finding our place …
That night he walked me home, arms linked .. tipsy but happy… I told him to crash in mine… strangely he still hadn’t sorted out his accommodation … he had often stayed over and often stayed with the lads… so I thought nothing of it… I kissed him good night and skipped inside … I was the last person to see him alive… It was the first time I was touched by suicide…
I have run that sequence over and over in my head… What did I miss? Why didn’t he talk to me? My moods went from anger to sadness… was I such a bad friend that he couldn’t tell me what was wrong? Surely after everything we’d been through as friends he could talk to me about anything? I was so angry with him… how could he be so selfish! Had I been blabbing so much about me and my holidays that he couldn’t get a work in edge ways? I felt guilty… Why that night? Why not during the summer? Why? Why? Why?
Turns out my friend loved me so much he waited till I got back so he could say good bye to me before he decided to take his life… He just couldn’t cope and no one had a clue… That happy giggling boy in the Chinese was falling apart inside... The days that followed are a haze of police interviews, the college chaplin getting an earful, identifying his body and my parents flying over to be with me… It wasn’t till I saw my dad in Heathrow airport I properly fell apart… My dad is my hero… surely he could explain why? Right? How could my best friend do this? Dad would have the answer… and for the first time in my life… he didn’t…
We had our first assembly as 4th years the following week, I ran out at the first mention his name… college and life would never be the same again… I think of him often… when I hear another life has been lost to suicide, he is one of the ones who pops into my head… What kind of man would he be now? Would he be married? How many of those tall blonde haired children would he have had? Would he have followed his dreams? Found a girl worthy enough in my eyes? Would we have drifted apart? We’ll never know… and if you google his name… nothing comes up… it’s like he never was…
Neil had put himself in a place where he thought there was no alternative… and no one can blame themselves for someone taking their own life… it took me a while to understand that … and even if I HAD known, he was going to go through with it… it was meticulously planned… he knew exactly who would find him and where… but sometimes people just cannot cope… sometimes the alternative of living is just too much and they can’t see a way out, no matter what you say… and sometimes they genuinely believe that if they weren’t around, life would be easier for their loved ones… it has been nothing but a lifetime of sadness for Neils family…
The only advice I can offer… is be there and talk.. talk and listen… no subject is taboo… nothing in this world is so ridiculous that you can’t whisper it over a cup of tea and find the solution… a friend of mine has a system where his kids to write down their problems and leave it in his coat pocket, they don’t have to say it out loud and feel stupid or ashamed… he reads them… points them in the right direction …. destroys the evidence and never speaks of it again… it works for them…
Our family probably give too much information now… I’ll get a txt is someone bangs their toe… but if it means we’re in each others pockets… so be it… I’m ‘annoying’, ‘interfering’ and ‘nosey’ but I never want to experience it again and I want them to know there’s always an alternative … and secretly, they’re grateful … they can jump on the bus and hang out in my house and rant and rave until they calm down or at least until 'mam calms down'… a better alternative in my opinion even if they eat me out of house and home…
As we crossed the line this morning on Bray strand … there was a calm and moving atmosphere… my family walked in Kilkenny and Sydney… my friends in Malahide and the Phoenix Park… I knew people guiding the light in Limerick, Waterford and Cork... at 4:15am… we all had someone we love on our mind and showed the world that there is light at the end of the tunnel… and its ok to be scared… that people are there for you… and that suicide isn't a dirty word...
Today give someone a big hug… let them know you’re there… for the good and the bad… and tell them that they mean the world to you… because sometimes they need to hear it...
I did this walk for three reasons…
Sunrise on Bray Strand 4:15
Firstly my family has been effected by suicide… to be fair there isn’t a family in Ireland who hasn’t been touched by it… and being your typical big Irish family with the majority in construction and engineering we were bound to be touched by it … My mum is the eldest of 12… my dad in the middle of 10… I have 64 cousins last count… and we learned the hard way to hound people to talk to each other… or talk to someone… when I see someone I love down in the dumps I make them talk to me… if you’re a regular here you’ll know I’m a chatterbox… I’ve told them some of my deepest secrets, so they know they can spill and know I won’t tell a soul… I’ve coughed up the cash for counsellors so ‘mam will never know’ but at least they can talk to someone about it, if they can’t tell me… but we are always on constant alert with a family full of young people in times like these…
In third year, he failed his exams… had to repeat them in the summer… and whilst I scamped off to Greece to do bar work* for 3 months .. *sunbathe and chase boys … he was studying… I couldn’t wait to get back to show him my tan and revel in the stories of dodgy greeks and making up cocktails for the locals because we really hadn’t a clue what we were doing! That first day back I met him at registration… I ran to him threw my arms around him and squealed! I missed my best friend and his curly hair… I wafted about in a white cotton top to show off the tan and was wearing green levis… I fit into levis back then… sigh… he was so full of beans… we spent the afternoon catching up on the grass outside… That night our gang had decided since the grants were in, we’d have a sit down meal in a ‘proper’ Chinese restaurant! It is crystal clear in my head… we laughed so much… everyone had holiday stories … and we were so looking forward to being in 4th year… we were finally there… and it was all ahead of us… we were young, free, in college and had another year before we had to face the real world but we were finding our place …
Neil had put himself in a place where he thought there was no alternative… and no one can blame themselves for someone taking their own life… it took me a while to understand that … and even if I HAD known, he was going to go through with it… it was meticulously planned… he knew exactly who would find him and where… but sometimes people just cannot cope… sometimes the alternative of living is just too much and they can’t see a way out, no matter what you say… and sometimes they genuinely believe that if they weren’t around, life would be easier for their loved ones… it has been nothing but a lifetime of sadness for Neils family…
The only advice I can offer… is be there and talk.. talk and listen… no subject is taboo… nothing in this world is so ridiculous that you can’t whisper it over a cup of tea and find the solution… a friend of mine has a system where his kids to write down their problems and leave it in his coat pocket, they don’t have to say it out loud and feel stupid or ashamed… he reads them… points them in the right direction …. destroys the evidence and never speaks of it again… it works for them…
Our family probably give too much information now… I’ll get a txt is someone bangs their toe… but if it means we’re in each others pockets… so be it… I’m ‘annoying’, ‘interfering’ and ‘nosey’ but I never want to experience it again and I want them to know there’s always an alternative … and secretly, they’re grateful … they can jump on the bus and hang out in my house and rant and rave until they calm down or at least until 'mam calms down'… a better alternative in my opinion even if they eat me out of house and home…
Today give someone a big hug… let them know you’re there… for the good and the bad… and tell them that they mean the world to you… because sometimes they need to hear it...
