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Today was a hard day...



I'm struggling a bit... It's hard... Now I'm not looking for sympathy but I know everyone goes through this... Today I binged... I haven't binged in over 10 months... and I mean properly binged... And compared to the binges I had years ago, this was minor... In times past I could binge on the contents of my fridge and freezer and literally 'come to...' on the floor in tears... Ice cream, potato salad, bread without the crusts, marshmallows, wine gums, Madeira cake... All easy to purge, all food that filled the sadness quickly, that made me feel 'full'... All gave me that sugar high pretty much instantly... It made me happy... For just a few short minutes, it numbed the pain... it was like a sticking plaster for why I was really hurting...

Once I thought I was 'satisfied' then came the guilt...  'why did I just do that?' ...'why can't I control myself?' ... 'I hate myself.. I hate my body...' All the negative thoughts... Then, that moment of, I'm not sure what it was, like the light bulb went off to try to fix the massive mistake I  had just made... But in an attempt to 'undo' the binge... The 'solution' was to throw it all back up... Get it out of my body...  If it was out of my body I'd feel better wouldn't I?!  sadly I never did... Then came the shower, bed and the majority of the time I'd cry myself to sleep... Wake up with the mother of sugar hangovers, sore teeth, sore head, sore tummy and sore heart... and honestly that's when the real thinking happened... I thought I was an intelligent woman... Why was I self destructing? It's taken me years to find out... But I'm getting there...

Today I binged...  I feel ashamed.. mortified... sad and angry about it...

Confession time... 3 bags of crisps, 2 bars of chocolate and a bag of wine gums... Followed by a melt down, tears and a phone call sobbing to a very good friend... Who, honestly, set me straight in minutes... I had two hours drive to get back home... I cried most of the way... Honestly, those wailing women by the graveside in the old days... Perfect job for me!

I've been trying work out this evening why I did it... And honestly, I'm just overwhelmed at the moment... I've let things get on top of me and I've allowed people more than their fair share of attention and I need to give some of that attention to me... but it seems that the up coming holiday means that they want they're piece before I go and I'm so busy trying to please everyone and get everything done that I've neglected myself... I totally realise that the world will not stop turning when I leave the country... but I put a lot of pressure on myself.. something I'm learning to change...

I know I'm human, I know I'm super busy for the next couple of weeks... But I felt so ashamed of myself today... I felt like such a failure... Anyone will tell you that no matter how much they accomplish, it's hard to see the progress... Most days I still see the girl with over 8 stone staring back at me in the mirror...

Today hurt... Conquering binges has been a huge step for me... Ending the cycle of purging was hard, something I still talk to a counsellor about... But the binges were, are, painful, emotionally painful... As I've said they used to be all nighters... this was a blip... but it was enough to send me into a tailspin... enough to get me upset... tomorrow is weigh in day... You have NO idea how close I am to not going at all...  I'm going to be up... I was up last week and I don't want this to be the slippery slope that means I just throw in the towel... and I can't allow that... I can't go back... so the only options open not me are to go forward or stand still... standing still is just a waste of everyones time and energy... so move forward... inch by inch if that's all I can do at the moment at least it's moving forward...

I know from lots of my readers and friends that the guilt we feel can overwhelm us at the best of times... the anger at letting biscuit 'win' and how one bad meal or a chinese can derail you... and you will always hear people say 'draw a line under it and start again...' that's what I'm doing this week... facing the music... feeling the fear... making sure that it is just a blip... and taking a lot of deep breathes and getting out of my own way... x







8 comments

  1. Hey doll, my heart goes out to you! But you have it right, go to your meeting, face the music and draw a line under it. This is life. Sometimes things go to plan and sometimes they derail so quickly we're left with the aftermath trying to figure out what happened. But for me every day is a new fresh start. And I refuse to beat myself up and feel guilty over 'blips' anymore, in fact I do my best not to feel guilty about anything I do or say full stop'. Life can be gard and it is often unpredictable and we can only do our best. We are not perfect and can never be perfect. But we have made a change for the better in our lives. We know what we want and where we're going and we're plugging away at it. You have done so well doll and come so far all the while inspiring and encouraging and brightening the days of so many other people. You can do anything you put your mind to. Don't feel guilty or bad, its a waste of time and doesn't fix anything just makes you feel worse. Instead look at the positives, there are so many of them. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back on the horse. We're all behind you cheering you on! Go Doll!!! :D

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  2. Doll, it brings little teary chokey yokes to my throat to think you're having a rough time, you're incredibly brave, strong and inspirational. It's so encouraging to hear your honesty, that you've had a wail and you're getting on with things. I admire you so much. Someone once told me 'you're no good to anyone else if you can't be good to yourself' and that stuck with me, sometimes taking a (guilt-free) step back and taking some time to get back in touch with yourself and what you need is exactly the thing to do. You have come so incredibly far, and you've inspired so many people (even those who don't know you personally!), don't beat yourself up, be kind to yourself as you are to anyone else who's struggling. H'up back on the wagon and start enjoying the run up to your holidays - no matter how prepared you are before you go there's always a mountain to tackle when you're back, let go and enjoy. Lots of love xx

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  3. Doll, I really want to give you a hug right now....
    "compared to the binges I had years ago, this was minor" It happened, its over.. it was a moment of madness and now you have the Guilts.. BUT you stopped yourself, your not on a downward spiral becuase of it... you havent continued to binge because"feck it i'll be up anyways" You've addmitted to it and now your moving on.
    I think going to group can only be a good thing.... whatever the number it will be a fresh start today
    Be kind to yourself xxx

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