Game on...

Normally on a Monday I do a motivational kind of post, something to kick off the week ... it's usually something that's crossed my path that week or something someone has shared or was relevant at the time... but being January we're being bombarded with motivation and it's almost overwhelming... where were you people when I needed you in December?! So todays post is a bit from the heart...

Most people who know me well, know I’ve a bit of a thing for rugby… Since I was a kid, rugby has always been one of those things that's just been there… and yes I swoon over the players… but seriously have you SEEN those thighs..!?!?! I mean LOOK!

And this year is World Cup year so between my regular Leinster games, the Six nations and that...  I'll probably be more annoying than usual but I just love it! I love the game, the passion of the players, the crowd, the atmosphere, getting to the games... just everything about it gives me a buzz... Everyone's got their vice right??!!

Last week a good friend of mine, commented on how much I’ve changed, based on my trip with them to one of Leinster games over Christmas… We don't go to matches together very often but see each other at games for a drink but it'd been a while since we'd sat together, which is a shame cause he's gay and we can perv in peace! I asked him what he meant... but first you'll need a bit of background information... 

Before I lost weight… my mind on match day would go like this… 

Wake up and *panic*... I mean literal panic... fretting and stressing... often contemplating just not going to a game based on my weight... what was I going to wear that would be comfortable? That I could sit in and not be too hot or freeze? I'll need to find out exactly where our seats are… Would I get to sit between two of my friends so I wouldn’t feel like I was invading some poor strangers space… no one wants to sit beside the fatty right?! If I got luckyI'd be at the end of a row... Flat shoes yes… even though I SO wanted to wear my nice winter boots…  regardless of how cold and wet I’d get, flat shoes it was… there’s walking and it would be bad enough that I would be all hot and sweaty just getting there without my knees hurting too… hopefully we’d get a taxi as close to the gate as we could yeah? fingers crossed… Save the knees… or if we were going to the pub first, then we’d meet early enough to get a seat so I wouldn’t be standing for too long… not that any one would know I was hurting… I’d smile through it and be in agony the next day… this was all before I even left the house! Beating on my jersey… feeling like shite because I couldn’t rock it like I really wanted too… making sure I had enough layers to cover my arms but something that would get me through a bite to eat after without looking like I was a stuff toy! Pretending I was the organised one by ordering taxis and restaurants.. with the right seats so no one would have to move for the ‘big girl’ … I was so ashamed of who I was, I still am but I'm working on it ... it's exhausting… and clearly it showed... 

May I just inject with this… no one ever called me out on any of this… people enjoyed my company and my enthusiasm… and no one ever made a comment that made me feel like I didn’t belong… well maybe at the internationals when I was the only one wearing a wallaby jersey in the entire block of Irish supporters but still that just shows passion right?! I did my nails, put on the war paint and all the silly stuff and smiled but it was a constant battle just being there... it's actually ridiculous! 

we even eat rugby cake... 

Getting closer to the stadium I had to negotiate to the turnstiles… I had to negotiate them in my mind first... I never went through them for ages… I always panicked… I always went through the wheelchair access door, with people on crutches, with small kids… I had labeled myself 'disabled' because of my size… only once did I feel embarrassed when the young guy on the gate didn’t know what to say to me when I asked him if I could use that door… he was more embarrassed by it than me I think… and honestly I always fit through them… but my mind was in charge and all the 'what if I got stuck' dramas were being played over and over... I'd be a laughing stock... the girl who got stuck in the turnstiles would be on my headstone... if I had stopped listening to the voices years ago, life would be a lot easier… 

Then the trek to our seats… I made sure I didn’t have to leave my seat at half time so I wouldn’t have to pass lots of people in case someone made a dig at me… the whole row would have to stand up and move out to let the fat girl go to the loo/bar whatever... but no one ever did… No one ever cared… I was a supporter… on their team… I was one of them...  but I’d built up what should have been many wonderful experiences into a stressful, emotional roller coaster, every single game … in my mind I wasn't really one of them.. they were all just being nice to me... showing me pity... but it wasn't... 

The day came last year when I was with a big group of people … some who I didn’t really know that well, friends of friends, and others who didn’t know the mind games in play between my ears before the ACTUAL game … and I HAD to go through them… I HAD TO ... and you know what... I did … with ease… I couldn’t jump about or shout but I texted my best friend and practically ran up the steps in the Aviva! It was a non scale victory that made me so happy… but I had doubted myself for years... No one wants to be ‘different’ everyone wants to fit in…  I’d made life so hard for myself for so long… and there I was.. just strolling through! In fact.. I was holding people up looking at them from the inside! 

Whats this to do with his comment? Well the conversation went like this... 

Him: Geez that was a great night wasn't it?
Me: Oh yeah... 
Him: You really are happier now aren't you?
Me: How do you mean?
Him: Well you just really enjoyed the night... Its lovely to see *hugs me* 
Me: Ah stop... *getting teary* 
Him: Well it's true... I love seeing you happy again... 
Me: I got something in my eye... 

Happier... I am happier... My face wasn't stressed out... I enjoyed the game...  all of it! I didn't have to over think every single moment of the night... I went to the bar at half time and didn't rush back to accommodate anyone else... I wore my fancy boots and went for a burger afterwards and walked most of the way to get it without being out of breathe or needing medical attention... my jersey slipped over my dress and I didn't look like I had got lost on the way to bootcamp or was an unemployable mascot ... I just had a good time and clearly it showed... and when your gay best friend says it.... girlfriend you KNOW he ain't lyin'... 

What's this to do with motivation? The thing is we're all on the same team... even losing weight... no one is an expert... I've got another 5 or 6 stone to go... I struggle just like everyone else does... more so now than before because I get cocky and think that I can do it by myself but I can't... if I could, I'd have done it years ago... but everyone can learn from someone else...  it's the main reason I stay to my meetings even though I should be at work... the tips, new products, recipes and sometimes the kick in the butt is enough to get you going again for the following week... So if you feel like you're on your own you're not... there's plenty of supporters out there shouting for you to succeed and there's no need to rain on anyones parade cause when its your turn, I'm here with my pom poms shouting for you, if you shout for me... deal?!