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My heart on sleeve...




I've had a meh evening ... you know the kind... just blah... groan, moan, groan.. and now I can't sleep so you lucky lot are getting an emotional post, you've been warned...

I watched the Obesity clinic tonight on RTE1. Anyone else feel like they've been wearing they're judgey pants sometimes?

I've been that size, I'm over 4 stone lighter than my highest weight… and yes I know I have more to lose… I have friends, good dear friends, who are interesting, funny, intelligent people who are obese.. and struggle… yes, struggle with food… I've been bulimic… I'm using the past tense there but I don't think that it will ever go away if I'm honest… But I struggle with food.. and people who don't, don't understand what its like.. 'why don't you just lose weight?' Well gee why didn't I think of that?!?! is that really all I have to do? Its like telling an alcoholic they can't ever have a drink again.. but alcoholics can survive without a drink, you can lock them away from their addiction.. you can't live without eating… and its the emotional connection.. the highs .. and subsequent lows that any addictive substance gives you… the buzz… I have regularly been in the whirl of emotion where you just can't see any other way to feel better than a tub of ice-cream followed by cake.. then biscuits.. then bread and god knows what else and that feeling.. that 'high' almost … and the crashing lows and feelings of disgust when you sit in a pool of tears wondering how someone as clever as you got there, and you have to drag yourself up off the floor and try to make sense of it…

I thought I had my life all sorted yet I resorted to abusing my body like that, and it never made much sense … I'm a very lucky soul… I have a wonderful life, I'm very privileged, there are people a million times worse off than me… but here I was eating my life away… why? I don't really know… even now.. I have those days of that feeling of pure hatred for myself.. and the more people tell you.. 'you look well'… 'you've lost weight'.. and the classic… 'you've got such a pretty face' just make you want to bury your head deeper and deeper into that momentary safe place where the sense of satisfaction is briefly saving you.. till it comes crashing down around you and the nausea kicks in.. and the remorse you feel…and the notions going through your mind of how you can undo what you've just done… and how you've let yourself down.. your family… friends…

Food takes that deep pain away, it distracts you from whats really going on in your head… and trying to address it is one of the hardest things I've ever done.. but I appear to be winning that battle thanks to an amazing counsellor… 10 kms a week in the pool … a group of like minded bootcamp friends who get it… but most importantly, a small but perfectly formed group of gals who I know I can pour my heart out to and they see beyond the fat to who I am and know that theres more to me… these women are consistent in my life and they amaze me, these lovely, stunning, amazing and loyal women.. from heart to soul... together we can be, confused, determined, irritated, joyous, mixed up, sad, loving, overwhelmed, desperate, sassy, imperfect, silly, secure, messy, vulnerable, intrigued, lost and found and show all of it and more.. anytime.. all the time.. they know all about you and love you just the same and never need to forgive because they never hold on to anything long enough for it to even matter, they know life gets messy for everyone and judgement is not an option... ever..  and one day, not so long ago, the penny dropped that maybe, just maybe, I'm worth all this and more.. and perhaps there's a lot more of my story left to be told…

I'm not quite sure at what point it started to consume me… everyone has the lows in their life and I suppose I just didn't deal with mine.. from my massive insecurities in my childhood, bullying in my teens to personal tragedies that I have just ran away from, literally .. I sugar coated them and spread them with nutella and swallowed them whole.. and once I realized they didn't taste very nice.. I tried to purge them.. thinking if I purged the food .. all the sadness would come up with it and I'd be done…TA DA! right?! Things I should have dealt with years ago, still irk me, although I'm addressing these things one by one, at the moment its snowballing and I'm feeling massive changes to the point that I can now look behind me and see where I was.. the line has shifted .. and yes, there are some days wonder if I'll ever win the battle.. I've lost good friends, lovers, maybe even soul mates because of bulimia.. I've denied myself the joys of socializing because clearly everyone would be staring at me eating my dinner.. judging me if I order a burger.. no one was ever minding they're own business and enjoying their dinner were they?! It is all about me yeah?  I've declined meeting up with people who I know would be amazing friends because I feared I wasn't good enough to even be theirs… WHY would anyone want to be seen with me? To the point when even trip to the hairdresser I would be apologizing for my very existence … these have been tough hurdles, some days I party the blues away... myself and Gordons numbed the pain temporarily until the hangovers surpassed the fun! But as a believer in fate and karma, I regularly roll out the 'its meant to be'  and as my grandmother used to say .. 'if it's meant for you .. it won't pass you by…' and I slowly started to believe it..

Watching that programme tonight.. seeing that young boy, wise beyond his years, saying 'I can't judge anyone until know them, because I know what its like for my dad to struggle with obesity and its not who he is'.. made me hope that more people will learn from him…

So judgey pants off people… that person who you momentarily stare at because they're bigger than you.. they're funny and charming… and know all about the history of art, they can paint a still life better than you can tie your shoes..  they've built houses and make mean cakes… they're better than you at the Irish times crossword and can belt out a tune at karaoke that would put you to shame… they have fat.. they are not fat… there's a difference..

Normal, less emotional service resumes tomorrow…

Doll x

25 comments

  1. I think you're fabulous Skinny Doll xo

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  2. I've always thought your fabulous and always will - I've been proud to call you my friend and saddened to that your no longer in my life - I too have my own demons and hope to some day overcome. You have never been fat to me or with fat - Just FAB and you are an inspiration to more people than you will ever know xx

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    1. Thanks Lou... your comment means loads.. and you're right.. everyone has their own inner battles to deal with, its realizing that even the skinny/fat/blonde/tall/short/whatever person has their insecurities too... and its working through them and having the support there that will get us there in the end.. xxx

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  3. What a moving post Doll! You are more than an inspiration to so many people - just look at how you help people with your challenges and your words of encouragement week after week. You are fabulous and even though I don't know you outside of this blog, I think you are a wonderful person!

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    1. aw thanks Zed.. I think you're fab too.. You've stuck with all the challenges and you're always positive and upbeat in your comments... the comments on here mean so much to me.. when you're having those doubts and a bad week and you feel like giving up, there's always one that will make you think.. 'stick with it' ... perhaps we don't tell people often enough how much they mean.. who knew a late night emotional rant would kick start that! x

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  4. Don't tell anyone else (!), you're my favourite person on twitter. I am so sorry that the programme dredged up all that emotion for you and kept you awake. Losing 4 pounds to me is a massive feat, let alone 4 stone, massive achievement well done. Its hard to lose the emotional baggage though and people forget that. As someone who has always struggled with my weight and preceived myself as fat all my life, i can totally sympathise with you. i just wish you all the best in your incredible journey. you are amazing. yes read that again, YOU ARE AMAZING

    Sending squishy hugs your way my dear xx

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    1. Ssshhhhhh SNAP.. you're in my twitter top 1! to be honest, its probably a good thing that the programme did keep me up.. sometimes you need to vent.. and not hide away... and remember to only take the positive stuff with you... I love being twitter pals with you.. you rock! Plus we have our date with Jamie Oliver to work on... LOL x

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  5. God i've been there, i actually have a lot in common with you. Alot of people do not understand or can just eat what that want! The Feckers lol, But its really down to yourself and really being in the zone, changing your habits and lifestyle including the food you eat, not to diet but to eat healthily. Now that being said i still eat up to my pro points total everyday so i stop eating, this is my problem I'll eat healthy foods all day and don't know where to stop so pro points help me keep on track and not overeat! but i found that the biggest thing is exercise (get a programme of the gym and do weighs and this does not make you bigger its tightens and sculpts you)and also you MUST EAT low sugar foods(low fat foods have low fat but are full of sugar) sorry girls you all probably know this but i want to give a bit of advice to you all as it took me years to find the secret. just think about it i just to eat meringue, fruit and low fat yogurt, this is low enough in propoints but its sooooo high in sugar its unreal. sugar turns to fat quicker than fat does! I am a size 8 now and 5 ft 1 so everyday is a struggle to maintain my weight believe me. So i stay off the sugar as much as i can. (curly wurly on a friday is a must )

    Best of luck to you all, again i am so not preaching and really admire skinny doll for opening up her heart to us all. xx

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    1. its amazing how much you have in common with people once you get it all out there.. you're right.. too much sugar can mess with your system.. and honestly exercise is the way forward.. you've just got to find something you love... and ALWAYS... ALWAYS .. have a curly wurly on a Friday! x

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    2. hehe thats it skinny doll and there is always someone worse off than us!

      I have a bad case of pms, I'm ready to kill someone but just had a Curly Wurly and feel much better, well i only had steamed broccoli and chicken breast for lunch so thats allowed. is it just me or does everyone eat like a savage the week before their period??

      :) x

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    3. nope we're all nightmares! feckin' hormones!

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  6. Well said a truely inspiring post as always :-) xxxx

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  7. Aw honey,you could be speaking for a LOT of us out there.Thanks for your honesty and openess.Apparently there's something actually physically going on with the planets at the mo,which might explain why so many of us are feeling emotionally shitty.Maybe not ;P Hope you're feeling better soon.KOALA HUGS!!!! xox

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    1. I totally love you!!! You brighten up my twitter TL everyday! And I think you're right... It's the planets fault! Lol I'm just feeling restless... Perhaps the winter is to blame too... Skippy hugs xxxxx

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  8. Lovely post Skinny! I feel your pain in *sooo* many ways. Xxxxx

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    1. It's crazy how many people relate... Sometimes you think your on your own till people tell you that they feel the same ... Hugs xxx

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  9. i found your post so moving i'm 22 n struggling wit my weight all my life.. for me my weight became my barrier to the world and food my comfort for all my life challenges... since i've been 15 i ave tried every diet under d sun, every diet pill, i have starved myself,binged, spent 4 hours seven days a week at the gym you name it i have done it... i ave lost weight on most of these ocassions but every time i went down it went up twice as fast.. i ave been told that famous line 'you ave a beautiful face all my life' and had a bunch of my (ex) fiends who are male tell me.. 'your stunning and your the soundest girl it's just your weight.. your too fat'. great for a 21 year old college students confidence.. jus wat u want to hear as u get ready to head out for the night (lik a knife in the heart) . you name it i heard it.. i ave stop goin places, important functions, stop socialing, comprimised myself and my morals because of the way i felt about myself because of my weight.. i used to look in the mirror and only see a curvy girl wit a pretty face so i never taught much of it but the scary fact was i was heading into the morbity obese category (ages 20 over 17 stone, 5ft 3)Talking about DENIAL!!! I ave been slowly pickin away at it for last 2 years gettin somewhere n then stopping i ave managed to keep two stone off.. that was until tis summer when i final dealt wit my issues (professionally).. i joined back to weightwatchers (for the hundred time) but somethin was differnent somethin clicked.. i ave reached my 5% goal after 5 weeks i'm the happiest i ave ever been i'm doing it right for once and guess wat it really works i'm down every single week.. Any who the point of my big long winded post (sorry for tat) was to say thank you, thank you for makin me feel somewhat noraml and for sharing your feelings cos i cant relate to them on so many levels.. you are truly inspiring.. So Thank you skinny doll Bee xxxx

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    1. And I can relate to everything you wrote!! I used to not go to certain restaurants because I was so intimidated by something that didn't even exist! Well done on 5%!!! And I'm glad they're EX friends!! You don't need people like that in your life... Stick with it and vent when you need to... If you dwell on it too much... It festers and it can snowball ... Choose to believe the good... Not the bad comments... You're worth more than any stupid college ass comments! You're a success already.. Keep your goals in sight and if you struggle ... Shout!!! That's what we're here for! xxx

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    2. awww u really are a doll!! much <3 n tank u xxx

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  10. cailleach an airgidNovember 19, 2012 at 9:54 AM

    That was a wonderful post and just what I needed. 'You've such a pretty face' is about the most irritating thing ever - it should equate to a shovel in the face!

    I am currently losing weight after hitting my heaviest ever. Last week I got into a normal BMI again and I'm feeling really positive about my journey. One thing I did differently this time is write a list of my strengths when I started - always before I would focus on the negatives and I was inadvertently shooting myself in the foot - priming myself to fail! I wrote a list of my resources (like cooking skills, youth, supportive family, knowledge about nutrition etc) and left it beside my bed. I read it every morning to remind myself that I CAN do it because I have everything I need to do it.

    Roll on Christmas - I am going to look very sexy in my new dress that I will buy on Christmas Eve to reward myself for all my achievements!

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    1. That's my goal... A healthy BMI... That's a great success and you should be so proud of all your hard work... I have positive thoughts on my bathroom mirror... 'I can do it' ...'I am worth it' .... 'Make good choices today' ... I might not say them every day but they're getting in my head... Well done and revel in your Christmas dress!! Well earned xxx

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  11. This is a great post. You have said so many things that I feel/have felt but could never put into words. What a massive achievement to lose 4 stone well done.

    I'm struggling big time to lose weight at the minute I have 1.5 stone still to lose, the only thing keeping me going is that I haven't put on weight. I'm maintaining and trying to concentrate on increasing exercise.

    I watched that show and I just felt the people who took part were so brave to allow such access to their lives and their struggles. It's not just about eating too much food, it's the emotional why.

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    1. I agree... Hence I don't think surgery is the answer when u haven't dealt with the emotional issues... Maintaining is great... Once you're focused on the next 7 lbs.. Then the next... And watch your clothes fitting too! It's a slow process but we'll get there... xxx

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