oh boy do I wonder!!

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year? (Author: Jeffrey Davis)

See, I don't think I DID cultivate a sense of wonder this year, well not in a positive way at least ... its probably more in a sense of amazement that I find myself not at the target I thought I'd be at ... it's more of a "I wonder what the hell happened ..." I seems so on fire January 1st... and "I wonder why I'm not there yet.." I've stuck to the programme, I've paid my money, counted every point ... "I wonder why my body doesn't co-operate" ... damn PCOS ... it's "wonder" as a sense of doubt rather than a sense of awe and amazement.. I am as always ever hopeful .. and haven't felt this positive about life and my journey for a long time... and I'm cultivating (I love the sound of that word...) some pretty good moments right now... I can see a tiny spec of light at the end of the tunnel... go me!

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I'm alive .. I'm alive...

Prompt: Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors).



Ok .. so I know the moment.. its not really a life or death thing.. but it did involve a hospital and a general anaesthetic... this moment.. when in my mind i was still counting down from 10 was actually the second I came to... and the whole procedure was over yet funnily I was still counting down in my head! Gasping for air... nurses shouting at me to leave the tube in and calm down.. and the relief that I was ok... there wasn't really a risk that I wasn't going to be ok.. but my over active imagination and too many spooky movies have led me down the CSI path in life.. and although a complete optimist.. my family, in particular my mother, would lead you to believe it was open heart surgery from which I would never return! So once I opened my eyes and saw that the light wasn't at the end of a tunnel with a dude in a long white dress and beard but from the recovery room ... I felt fantastic! I felt alive.. albeit in a clinical and sterile environment, which couldn't be the more opposite of me.. the clutter queen.. The first thing I asked for was water.. and a small, or we all PC here and lets say vertically challenged, philippino nurse called Buster brought me a cup of ice.. he was wearing burgundy scrubs... he laughed at my ganglion on my left wrist.... I couldn't talk because with such a dry throat and fasting fir 24 hrs I just needed to replenish my fluids... that cool plastic cup of ice was better than any G&T I've tasted... looking around from bed to bed I could see how other people were returning from their operations too... and as my eyes started to get more and more focussed I can still see the young woman across from me who had just had a full hysterectomy aged 36, we had been chatting on the trolleys before hand and she was still knocked out... the sheets felt cold.. even though I had been on them for a few hours.. they felt cold to touch... I thought that strange... I could smell toast.. I felt alive... and just for the record, it was one of those ovary-type-gal procedures... no need to look away boys!

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WHAT is holding you back???

Prompt: Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
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Firstly, I'm not a writer. I know lots of people doing #reverb10 are writers, but not me, no way... So I'm changing it to be more in line with my goals ...


Weightloss. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your weightloss — and can you eliminate it?

Well.. let's face it .. I dawdle.. dilly dally... faff! I can find a tangent at 100 paces.. I can distract myself in a heartbeat.. and oops.. before you know it.. I don't "have time" to exercise... I can pay back those WW points from that yummy high calorie dessert tomorrow! Monday .. yes I'll start again Monday! I can talk myself round and round in circles... and THIS doesn't contribute to weightloss .. THIS keeps me on the merry-go-round of being obese and throwing the focus and attention on everyone else except ME ...
But I do these things, faffing, toying and trifling, because I'm fearful... What happens when I lose this weight? What if I'm not happy? People might see the real me? What if they don't like her? What is she going to hide behind? How will I deal with my feelings? I can't bury them under food on this diet? What if I don't get pregnant? I will have done this journey and WHAT? still nothing? Yep .. its fear that makes me go round and round.. it stops me getting there.. it stops me doing my vlogs... it stops me blogging here... I disappear and keep a watchful eye on all the others succeeding and then every now and then I crack! Suddenly.. SHE'S BACK! This fear keeps me away from my friends and social occasions... the first sign of success and I'm thinking .. BINGE!

How can I eliminate it? I'm thinking A-Team here but since they never gave out their number .. sigh.. To eliminate fear I have to face it. Believe in myself.. Believe I can do it.. and let nothing hold me back.. There has been a glimpse of this recently.. I've stood up for ME ... it felt great! Scary but amazing... My better half has noticed the changes... I feel now that I can do it! This time last year I would not have said that. I must eliminate this huge fear and step up and onto those scales and over them! Live life and be lighter and happier than before! Or else I'm stuck on this merry-go-round for all eternity...

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Reverb 10 is an annual event and online initiative to reflect on your year and manifest what’s next. The end of the year is an opportunity to reflect on what's happened, and to send out reverberations for the year ahead.




Yes, prompted by Tracey @http://www.fatgirlslim.org/, I've been thinking about doing this most of today and considering we're snow bound here in Dublin for at least the next week or so... sigh... SO yes.. reflecting on this year seems like a good idea.. and to be prompted daily to do so is even better!!! Check it out.. http://www.reverb10.com/




The first task, and today's prompt, (well actually the second because AGAIN I couldn't get the button to load as a widget .. SIGH!) is ... drum roll please...

December 1 One Word.
Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?

ONE word.. for someone who hasn't stopped talking since birth this has been a tough one... and since last weeks temper tantrum there can only be one word for the year gone by .. ENOUGH! (or as they say on the other side of the pond DONE!) .. ENOUGH of the procrastination.. ENOUGH of the guilt, the putting everyone else first... ENOUGH with not feeling good enough.. ENOUGH with all the clothes that don't fit properly... that I don't deserve the same as everyone else... ENOUGH!!!!! Its time to focus.. which leads nicely along to the word for 2011... KABOOM... just you watch! I'm gonna take the world by storm.. I'm find the old me.. I'm gonna make her SHOUT.. SCREAM.. NOT get walked on.. she's gonna stamp her feet.. KABOOM people.. KABOOM!

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All dressed up... and don't wanna go...

The mere thought of dressing up and going to a party just makes me want to keep my head under the duvet. Parties at Christmas as pretty hard to avoid. There's one next door, at work, friends houses everywhere you turn there's an invite coming in! You'd think this snow would deter them! This time of year is the worst for me in terms of coping with the inevitable feelings of self conscious and the fear of "what happens when the small talk dries up!?!?!" In the back of my mind as I ring the doorbell and the butterflies play havoc with my stomach, I always have that age old diamond buzzing in my ears... "this time.. next year... I won't have to feel like this!" SIGH! GROAN! I'm even annoying me with that one! I need to devise a plan to make it through the adrenaline rush to make me more mentally and physically on my game and put a stop to the self sabotage! I need to formulate a plan.. From doorbell to doorstep... what to wear, how long I'm gonna stay and decide beforehand exactly what I'm going to eat. I, like most, worry about what other people think, so my trick this year is to put myself in their place. (which technically I will be!) .. I know I'll be asking about work, family, that dreaded "R" word, the weather .. all those things that I know I'll be too busy chatting to concentrate on what they are wearing and eating.. and I know "THEY" will be just the same... I've got to get over that super-sensitive self consciousness... Stand tall, stay positive and stick to the spritzers! Doll x

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Weigh in #6

After the flu and the arse kicking I gave myself last week. Doll is down 3.5lbs! YAY!

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Life...

Life is a banquet! (someone already at goal told me this!! sheesh!)

sample (SAMPLE!!!) this and you can fill your plate...

When you live your life fully, you partake of the banquet. This includes food! Food is not the enemy. Using it to fill your soul is a culprit!

By living fully, priorities straight, talents in use and passions engaged.. you can live a big juicy life! So .. time for Doll to start claiming whats hers! Time to stop using food to replace living... time to CLAIM LIFE!!

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