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Am I unlovable?




I wrote this post on my iPad when I was stuck waiting for Storm Stella to calm her boots and let me get to Boston for St. Patricks day... I wasn't going to post it, it's been sitting the drafts folder ever since, but this happened to me as I was going to get a bottle of water waiting 4 hours for my next flight, and whilst I was very sad, I thought that writing it down would help... it kinda did...


'Would you still love me if I looked like her?'

Having been super morbidly obese, not many comments get to me to be honest, people think it's OK to judge you on how you look, regardless of the kind of person you are... Do they know how smart you are? do they know your job and how good you are at it? Do they know you're a fab mum? An amazing friend and all round good person? Do they know you cry every week at SuperVet and First Dates makes your heart melt because you just want everyone to feel loved? So they know how funny you are? How good you make people feel? That you spend your winter nights crocheting tea cosys for charity to stop you eating crisps? They don't know any of these things about you... and it doesn't matter because all of that means nothing to them, they just see the physical you, walking past and they feel they have the right to make massive assumptions... and they do, but do it when I'm out of ear shot eh?!

As I walked to the machine to get my water, I walked past a couple... and the first thing this woman could think to say to her boyfriend/husband/partner as I walked by was 'would you still love me if I looked like her?' ... I thought nothing of it... well I did but I didn't flinch, people have felt it's OK to pass remarks on me since I can remember... remember the woman who tried to order me a salad once! But as I walked back to my seat I had 4 hours in a packed airport to think about it, (to good when you're an over thinker at the best of times... But i couldn't help wonder does she think I'm unlovable? Does she think I'm not worthy of love because of my size? Does she think a man couldn't be attracted to me? That I repel any kind of love because I'm over weight? It's something I question all the time! I still look in the mirror and see the person I used to be sometimes and I really hate that... I know this girl was just making an off the cuff remark, she just wanted to hear 'I love you no matter what baby!' from her other half but being fat doesn't make you deaf! Everyone is entitled to an opinion, god knows I've a load of them myself, but I'd never comment on a stranger whilst they were standing in front of me... I said nothing, these were random strangers but it stuck with me for the rest of the trip... It's something that women say when they get pregnant 'will you still love me when I'm fat...' If any gobshite says 'no I won't love you when you're creating a tiny human inside you', first slap him THEN show him the door! Making a baby isn't being fat, it's a human marvel! But having fat doesn't make you any less worthy of love... I am not fat, I HAVE fat on my body... If the boy don't like it, you can google him a map to the front door! I've written posts before about things that the general public think it's OK to say to me... but it's not OK!





A couple of months ago I was out with my family in a very 'posh' restaurant (well posh for us!) and I was feeling quite good about myself! I was wearing a royal blue kimono dress from Scarlett & Jo... 




I wasn't head to toe in black for a change! I was wearing my fancy suede boots and when I looked in the mirror I felt OK about being me! That doesn't happen very often, so I left the house with a 'sure it'll do'...  When we got to the restaurant I made sure I sat with my back to the wall... I didn't want to get in the way of the waiters, these are the things I used to have to think about all the time when I used to go out to restaurants and I was 9 stone heavier, and these things still play on my mind. Honestly, I really don't have to worry so much about these things anymore but the fear stays with you for a long time, you feel like an inconvenience... I can't tell ou the number of times I've apologised for being me because of my size... Anyway, we had a great night, I had a great night, until we got up to leave... there was a man beside us at a table with his wife (I'm assuming it was his wife) As I got up he said 'my god that's a very fat woman, she's very big!' No one in my family flinched, we're better than that, we've had manners slapped into us with the fear of a wooden spoon... We've been taught if you don't have anything nice to say, shut up and keep it to yourself, you don't know someones story so zip it! Normally I would say nothing and just leave, go home, be upset and wait till I was alone and have a good old cry...  Not this time, I decided to take my own advice and call him out on it, much to the horror and shock of my own family! I turned to him as I stood up and said 'sir, it's not news to me that I'm fat or a big woman but thank you for reminding me' he was horrified... throughout the evening we had endured his loud conversation with his poor wife (I'm making assumptions but she looked like she'd been stuck with him a lifetime!) We heard about his sister being buried in Mount Jerome, how he wasn't going to be buried there near her! Honestly we tried to ignore him as much as we could but he thought he was special, very special and better than anyone else in the room so the last thing he expected was a 'fat' woman to stand up to him... So yes, I said 'sir, it's not news to me that I'm fat or a big woman but thank you for reminding me' Immediately his wife apologised, so I stood my ground, much to the surprise of my family who torn between being glued to the ground and sprinting for the door... I don't have a temper, I don't like confrontation but when it I'm pushed and I lose it, run to the hills! 




'Why are you apologising for a grown mans bad behaviour? He sounds like the kind of man that could apologise himself if he had the balls... I mean we've all had to listen to him spouting off all night ' ... Cue the tumbleweed... he said nothing... he just looked down at the table... nada! But I was on a roll... 'Sir you're incredibly ignorant and honestly if I was married to you I'd make sure you were buried in Mount Jerome, face down!' Just as I was about to spin on my suede heels the waiter apologised for him... so as loudly as I could i said 'Oh there's no need to apologise for his ignorance... his wife seems to do his dirty work for him...' Not one of my finest moments... but I spun on my hells and legged it down the stairs... I held back the tears on the way home, there was no need to make anyone else sad and my tipsy family were both delighted that I stood up for myself, bitching about 'yer man & the state of him' and sad that the night had to end like that for me... Once I got home, I got upset, mostly with anger to be honest... This man knows nothing about me... NOTHING... He doesn't know who I am, what I've achieved in my life, the joys and sadness I've experienced, nothing... He saw me getting up from a table (I was the only sober one, being the designated driver!) and he though it was OK to pick on me! WRONG!





People have no right to talk about me or you or anyone about how they look... They have no right to judge what I'm wearing, where I'm sitting or who I'm with... my size didn't affect anyones evening... my size didn't ruin anyones night... I wasn't in anyones way... I wanted to pull out my weight watchers card and flash him all the silver sevens and shout 'you think I'm big now.. you should have seen me before!' but I'm sure my grandmother  looking down on me would have struck me with lightening for shouting and not behaving properly in a fancy schmancy place ... As she taught us, manners are free, clearly his grandma didn't teach him the same... you don't know peoples' story.. so unless you're going to say something nice or helpful... zip it! If you allow people to treat you a certain way, then they start to believe it's ok... So you've got to put people straight... otherwise the sabotage just continues... 


Do I let it derail my journey? Nope... 

Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY! 

Am I lovable? Hell yeah!

Would I do it for someone else? Damn straight... 



17 comments

  1. good woman I never ceases to amaze me that people feel compelled to comment on other people's size I was out with my friends about 2 years ago and a crowd of boys came over one in particular came over to tell me how fat I was horrified and upset is an understatement but I just wonder why he felt this need to tell me as if I didn't already know or as if I shouldn't be out because of my size 2 fingers to them all and im glad you spoke up

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    1. I often wonder is it because of their insecurities... 'I'm not perfect but at least I'm not her' kinda thing... baby steps to get the self esteem back on track... we've just as much right to do exactly the same thing as they do! x

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  2. Oh dear how rude people can be. I have suffered from the comments too, as if I have no feelings. I remember ordering french fries in McDonalds, had lots of my kids with me, and the large fries were only like half full. My face burned with embarrassment as I went back to the counter to ask them to fill them all the way, please. A skinny person would ask without a hesitation, I think. But for me, it was torture. But there were my kids, and could I explain to them why Mommy couldn't go back and straighten out what was obviously wrong? I had to be brave and pretend it wasn't an issue that I was rather large...I have seen the looks, have heard the comments, and I can so relate to what your post. I'm glad I found your blog, hello!

    Della

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    1. It's a horrible feeling isn't it! But there really is no difference and if anyone makes us feel that way then it really is their problem... it's just up to us to keep up the courage and build up our self esteem... Plus kids learn by example... why shouldn't mum have the thing she paid for?
      xxx

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  3. You are just the most inspirational weight loss winner I have found on my own WW journey ...
    Your honesty , persistence and fabulous attitude have inspired me on my hardest weeks in WW ..even at goal now I struggle ..
    Struggle to accept myself , to like myself and let the old me go ..
    The comments I get now I am 7stone lighter are ridiculous... even a "GOOD FRIEND" said recently "oh I won't offer you are biscuit you don't eat anything nice now your in WeightWatchers and all that" ... it was such a snide remark that I went home and ate a PACKET of biscuits ..

    It's a never ending battle so next time someone comments I will call them out regardless ...

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    1. The sabotage needs to end! Especially from so called 'friends' ... it's a case of if you're not on my side then go away! They're not true friends if they can't back you up xxx

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  4. So glad you stood your ground at this particularly moment and I hope this man felt real bad. I have not had it too bad over the years but still got called names and got knocked down etc. especially for my red hair which was a no no in my school so I tried to hide by eating sweets,cakes and too much food which just made me go up in weight. These days some people want there hair red in all colours and I'm going grey. Still struggling with my weight tho. Keep it up xx

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    1. My best friend is a red head! You're one of a very lucky bunch! xxx

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  5. You are doing fantastic keep your head high and don't let other people's foolishness upset you. Im glad you didn't let him away because maybe now he will think twice before he comments on somebody eles. I think your gran would have over looked you confronting him and im sure she would be very proud xxx lots of love you loveable woman

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    1. Lol she might have turned the wooden spoon on him! Lol xxx

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  6. Oh doll I love you! ❤ I was on the point of tears throughout this post - tears of sadness that so many people feel they can pass comment and how self-conscious you (and many of us) are made to feel, tears of rage at the rude and hurtful comments and finally and most happily tears of joy for SuperDoll standing up for all of us who have felt belittled and "less" than others at the hands of these bullies!!! Go doll!!! I'm so glad that you stood up to that man - What makes people think they have the right to pass comment about anyone?!! Whatever the subject matter - size, skin colour, gener or sexual orientation - it's all discrimination - it's all bullying at the end of the day. You are my superhero! You should be so proud xxx

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  7. 🔝 You should be so proud of yourself! ❤❤❤

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  8. Hold your head high for standing up to that ignore ass. You were very brave for saying something. People are so cruel. Keep strong, be proud of yourself for being the motivational doll you are! Shaming is unacceptable, no matter what it is for. Hopefully your bravery and courage will inspire others to stand up for themselves and call out bullies. Hugs xo

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  9. What an ignorant pig! Tell you what though, HOW interesting would the conversation have been between himself and his missus in the car on the way home...hehehe. Doll, you are amazing, and you don't even need those silver sevens to tell you so. You're doing it, and you're inspiring others to do it too, me included. I'm sorry he hurt you, but I'm in awe of your response. You rock!

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