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Am I unlovable?




I wrote this post on my iPad when I was stuck waiting for Storm Stella to calm her boots and let me get to Boston for St. Patricks day... I wasn't going to post it, it's been sitting the drafts folder ever since, but this happened to me as I was going to get a bottle of water waiting 4 hours for my next flight, and whilst I was very sad, I thought that writing it down would help... it kinda did...


'Would you still love me if I looked like her?'

Having been super morbidly obese, not many comments get to me to be honest, people think it's OK to judge you on how you look, regardless of the kind of person you are... Do they know how smart you are? do they know your job and how good you are at it? Do they know you're a fab mum? An amazing friend and all round good person? Do they know you cry every week at SuperVet and First Dates makes your heart melt because you just want everyone to feel loved? So they know how funny you are? How good you make people feel? That you spend your winter nights crocheting tea cosys for charity to stop you eating crisps? They don't know any of these things about you... and it doesn't matter because all of that means nothing to them, they just see the physical you, walking past and they feel they have the right to make massive assumptions... and they do, but do it when I'm out of ear shot eh?!

As I walked to the machine to get my water, I walked past a couple... and the first thing this woman could think to say to her boyfriend/husband/partner as I walked by was 'would you still love me if I looked like her?' ... I thought nothing of it... well I did but I didn't flinch, people have felt it's OK to pass remarks on me since I can remember... remember the woman who tried to order me a salad once! But as I walked back to my seat I had 4 hours in a packed airport to think about it, (to good when you're an over thinker at the best of times... But i couldn't help wonder does she think I'm unlovable? Does she think I'm not worthy of love because of my size? Does she think a man couldn't be attracted to me? That I repel any kind of love because I'm over weight? It's something I question all the time! I still look in the mirror and see the person I used to be sometimes and I really hate that... I know this girl was just making an off the cuff remark, she just wanted to hear 'I love you no matter what baby!' from her other half but being fat doesn't make you deaf! Everyone is entitled to an opinion, god knows I've a load of them myself, but I'd never comment on a stranger whilst they were standing in front of me... I said nothing, these were random strangers but it stuck with me for the rest of the trip... It's something that women say when they get pregnant 'will you still love me when I'm fat...' If any gobshite says 'no I won't love you when you're creating a tiny human inside you', first slap him THEN show him the door! Making a baby isn't being fat, it's a human marvel! But having fat doesn't make you any less worthy of love... I am not fat, I HAVE fat on my body... If the boy don't like it, you can google him a map to the front door! I've written posts before about things that the general public think it's OK to say to me... but it's not OK!





A couple of months ago I was out with my family in a very 'posh' restaurant (well posh for us!) and I was feeling quite good about myself! I was wearing a royal blue kimono dress from Scarlett & Jo... 




I wasn't head to toe in black for a change! I was wearing my fancy suede boots and when I looked in the mirror I felt OK about being me! That doesn't happen very often, so I left the house with a 'sure it'll do'...  When we got to the restaurant I made sure I sat with my back to the wall... I didn't want to get in the way of the waiters, these are the things I used to have to think about all the time when I used to go out to restaurants and I was 9 stone heavier, and these things still play on my mind. Honestly, I really don't have to worry so much about these things anymore but the fear stays with you for a long time, you feel like an inconvenience... I can't tell ou the number of times I've apologised for being me because of my size... Anyway, we had a great night, I had a great night, until we got up to leave... there was a man beside us at a table with his wife (I'm assuming it was his wife) As I got up he said 'my god that's a very fat woman, she's very big!' No one in my family flinched, we're better than that, we've had manners slapped into us with the fear of a wooden spoon... We've been taught if you don't have anything nice to say, shut up and keep it to yourself, you don't know someones story so zip it! Normally I would say nothing and just leave, go home, be upset and wait till I was alone and have a good old cry...  Not this time, I decided to take my own advice and call him out on it, much to the horror and shock of my own family! I turned to him as I stood up and said 'sir, it's not news to me that I'm fat or a big woman but thank you for reminding me' he was horrified... throughout the evening we had endured his loud conversation with his poor wife (I'm making assumptions but she looked like she'd been stuck with him a lifetime!) We heard about his sister being buried in Mount Jerome, how he wasn't going to be buried there near her! Honestly we tried to ignore him as much as we could but he thought he was special, very special and better than anyone else in the room so the last thing he expected was a 'fat' woman to stand up to him... So yes, I said 'sir, it's not news to me that I'm fat or a big woman but thank you for reminding me' Immediately his wife apologised, so I stood my ground, much to the surprise of my family who torn between being glued to the ground and sprinting for the door... I don't have a temper, I don't like confrontation but when it I'm pushed and I lose it, run to the hills! 




'Why are you apologising for a grown mans bad behaviour? He sounds like the kind of man that could apologise himself if he had the balls... I mean we've all had to listen to him spouting off all night ' ... Cue the tumbleweed... he said nothing... he just looked down at the table... nada! But I was on a roll... 'Sir you're incredibly ignorant and honestly if I was married to you I'd make sure you were buried in Mount Jerome, face down!' Just as I was about to spin on my suede heels the waiter apologised for him... so as loudly as I could i said 'Oh there's no need to apologise for his ignorance... his wife seems to do his dirty work for him...' Not one of my finest moments... but I spun on my hells and legged it down the stairs... I held back the tears on the way home, there was no need to make anyone else sad and my tipsy family were both delighted that I stood up for myself, bitching about 'yer man & the state of him' and sad that the night had to end like that for me... Once I got home, I got upset, mostly with anger to be honest... This man knows nothing about me... NOTHING... He doesn't know who I am, what I've achieved in my life, the joys and sadness I've experienced, nothing... He saw me getting up from a table (I was the only sober one, being the designated driver!) and he though it was OK to pick on me! WRONG!





People have no right to talk about me or you or anyone about how they look... They have no right to judge what I'm wearing, where I'm sitting or who I'm with... my size didn't affect anyones evening... my size didn't ruin anyones night... I wasn't in anyones way... I wanted to pull out my weight watchers card and flash him all the silver sevens and shout 'you think I'm big now.. you should have seen me before!' but I'm sure my grandmother  looking down on me would have struck me with lightening for shouting and not behaving properly in a fancy schmancy place ... As she taught us, manners are free, clearly his grandma didn't teach him the same... you don't know peoples' story.. so unless you're going to say something nice or helpful... zip it! If you allow people to treat you a certain way, then they start to believe it's ok... So you've got to put people straight... otherwise the sabotage just continues... 


Do I let it derail my journey? Nope... 

Would I do it again? ABSOLUTELY! 

Am I lovable? Hell yeah!

Would I do it for someone else? Damn straight... 



Scoffies...

Following on from last weeks snack pack post, here's some new ones called Scoffies from 'Cheestrings' which I spotted in Tesco... The portion size on these is 20g but I couldn't see anyone not literally scoffing the 60g box... Anyone tried them out? x



Cheestrings Scoffies, Apricot, cherry cubes & yogurt raisins 
per 20g portion - 3SP
per 60g pack - 8SP



Cheestrings Scoffies, Cherry strings, biscuits & choc raisins 
per 20g portion - 3SP
per 60g pack - 9SP




Cheestrings Scoffies, Fruity mix & white chocolate shortcake pieces
per 20g portion - 3SP
per 60g pack - 9SP



Go Go's!

Gorgeous Goodness! These are handy snack packs I spotted in Tesco last week... I know a lot of readers love having these handy packs in the car or gym bag... I also have a lot of followers who are on a lot of SmartPoints now and struggle to eat them, these might just fill in the gap with nuts and dried fruit... I haven't tried them but do take note the different pack sizes... Anyone tried them yet? 


Go Go's Protein Power, a mix of beans, cheese and chorizo bites per 70g snack pack - 10SP



Go Go's Oat-Tastic mix of beans, cheese bites and fruity flapjacks, per 55g snack pack - 8SP



Go Go's Full Of Beans mix of beans, cheese bites 
and chocolate covered beans with pretzels, per 55g snack pack - 8SP

Easter Cakes...

The yellow of the daffs outside has rubbed off on the chocolate coated packaging in the the shops! Some easter goodies that will be tempting you over the next week... x 


Mr. Kipling Lemon French Fancies. per 27g fancy - 5SP



Cadburys Mini Egg nest cakes - per 37g 'nest' cake - 9Sp 



Dunnes Stores Simnel slices per 52g slice - 9SP



Mr. Kipling Lemon Bakewells, per 43g bakewell - 8SP




Good riddance!



Guilt... anyone else suffer from it?! When I get down in the dumps about my weight (and I do, a lot!) the guilt trips I send myself on are unreal... 'How did I let myself get to this size?!' is the first thing I rant to myself about... A lot of the time instead of being proud of myself and how far I've come, I just wonder how I could have let myself down over the years and get into this mess to start with... Where would I be in life now if I have control over my emotional eating? What kind of person would I be if food didn't comfort me and hate me at the same time...  It can even get to the point where I truly believe there's no point in going on with this journey because 'good old me' will just revert to type and put it all the weight back on again eventually right?!  This all boils down to damaged self confidence... like most people on this journey, our self esteem takes some brutal hits... from early childhood it can start to bruise and we believe what people say to us, especially those who don't have out best interests at heart... We listen to the negative talk, the back handed compliments, the digs from family and think they must be true... When I think of the energy, the hours I've wasted on the 'what ifs?' and 'might have beens' it's exhausting... the past is exactly that, the past, we can't change it! What we can change is the here and now... how we treat ourselves, what food we buy, how we cook our food, who we let into our lives, how we deal with saboteurs,  these are all things we can control... this week forget what might have been and focus on what will be... Lifting the guilt will be a burden off your shoulders... and good riddance to it! x



Chicken Lickin'...

 I spotted these new handy 100g pack chicken pieces from Carroll's meats in Dunnes, individual packs of flavoured chicken! Very handy for lunch on the go or to have in the fridge as a snack when you get home and have nothing prepared! I picked up the BBQ chicken for lunch this week...
Anyone given them a try?

x



Carroll's Rotisserie Style Chicken pieces 
per 50g - 1SP
per100g pack - 2SP



Carroll's Smokey Barbecue Chicken pieces 
per 50g - 1SP
per 100g pack - 3SP



Carroll's Honey & Chilli Chicken pieces 
per 50g - 1SP
per 100g pack - 3SP



Just Free Crisps...

Crisps from Lidl for those looking for gluten free snacks! 
SPs per 25g portion and per 125g bag!

x


Lidl - Just Free, Baked Barbecue Crisps
per 25g portion - 3SP
per 125g bag - 17SP


Lidl - Just Free, Baked Sour Cream & Onion Crisps 
per 25g portion - 3SP
per 125g bag - 15SP


I'm done...

I have a personal list... Before I shared it on here, for the ALL the world to see, I'd only ever shown it to my 3 closest friends and every single one of them cried (not my intention!) because they didn't know this is how I really felt about myself... they were sad that this is how I felt about me... and I was too... I'm so good at covering up how I really feel and they had absolutely no idea... I'm always the one to say 'I'm grand... don't worry about me...' when I'm not... but I read it again last night because I needed to remind myself of where I've been, where I am and how I can get to where I want to be... 





I’m done!!!! 

I am done blaming everybody and everything else for my obesity… 
I am done accepting verbal and mental torture from random strangers who don’t know anything about me… 
I am done being a compulsive over eater 
I am done over eating… 
I am done being worried that I wont find something in my size …
I am done being concerned that I don’t look good in something because of my size… 
I am done being making excuses…  
I am done stressing out about my size and letting it affect what and how i eat...
I am done being the Funny Fat Friend thats great to talk to and hang out with, 
   but doesn’t get included in things because she’s fat and they don't want to embarrass me... 
I am done being paranoid about eating in public, like I’m being judged by what i order and 
   how i eat it… ‘SHE’S ordering chicken wings .. really?!’
I am done being paranoid about what I buy at the supermarket, if someone looks in my trolly, 
   would they approve? 
I am done feeling sorry for myself! I’m tired of hiding behind fat clothes, 
   this summer I'm gonna be comfortable!
I am done being super self conscious... 
I am done lying to myself...
I am done being lazy...
I am done trying to hide my body... 
I am done not wearing the clothes I WANT too but the clothes 
   I HAVE to to cover me up and make the best of a bad body!
I am done wearing high heels and sitting down most of the time cause they hurt... 
   I LOVE my shoes too much not to show em off!
I am done not living the best life I can and not just for me but for my loved ones too
I am done putting myself last on the priority list. 
I am done watching minutes and days fly by without counting toward 
   something greater than where I'm at... 
I am done being overweight and unhealthy. ..
I am done being unhappy with myself...
I am done making myself feel that I'm not good enough... 
I am done feeling bad about what I did to myself... 
I am done being afraid to wear shorts in public... 
I am done being jealous...
I am done going shopping with them and hanging out with the accessories because 
   I'm too fat to buy the clothes in their shops
I am done feeling sorry for myself!
I am done being embarrassed to be me...
I am done thinking I'm not good enough...
I am done feeling tired before everyone else...
I am done shopping in only plus size shops!
I am done not being able to wear cute high heeled boots cause my calves are too big...  
I am done never wearing an actual dress, only trousers, skirts and tops 
   because I think they hide my belly better.  
I am done carrying around what feels like a whole other person everywhere I go... 
I am done saying the words "If only.." and "I wish.." and "One day.." 
I am done using food to make myself feel better, it doesn't work... 
I am done squeezing into my own bathtub... 
I am done saying 'tomorrow' ...
I am done saying I wished I looked like that! 
I am done just lying there when I could be on top!! 
I am done with the sensible bullet proof knickers.. I want lacy MATCHING stuff and I wanna see it!!!!
I am done feeling embarrassed when we go out to eat because 
  I know people are waiting for me to pig out... 
I am done with shopping in the "special sizes" section, and with the assumption that just 
   because I'm fat, I must have no sense of taste! 
I am done letting the crisps win... 
I am done with the muffin tops 
    and muffin sides, and muffin bottoms, and any other muffin related issues!!! 
 I am done pretending that my weight doesn't bother me...
I am done feeling tired all the time because I drag this big body around... 
I am done making excuses not to lose weight... 
I am done thinking I'm ugly just because I'm fat... 
I am done with inhibition (going at it with gusto this time! woohoo!)  
I am done dreading trying to find jeans that will fit over my ass... 
I am done with letting my weight run my life for me!!! 
I am done treating my body like its junk... 
I am done making excuses because I'm too afraid I'll fail! 
   failure is not an option this time so there is no excuse! 
I am done being looked down on for being overweight...
I am done being teased...  
I am done getting weight lectures from my doctor... 
I am done having 3 chins... 
I am done being the fat girl with 'such a pretty face'...
I am done being self conscious about what my arms look like when I wear sleeveless tops... 
I am done starting a diet and then just falling off again... 
I am done making excuses... 
I am done feeling like the "ugly" friend... 
I am done starting and stopping...
I am done thinking that my self worth has anything to do with what I weigh...  
I am done not being confident anymore...
I am done not feeling appreciated...
I am done relying on food to make me happy! 
I am done feeling guilty! 
I am done with sitting on the sidelines!
I am done letting others effect me!!  
I am done listening to negative thoughts!! 
I am done with negativity!! 
I am done not believing in me 100%!!   
I am done wasting time feeling bad about myself!  
I am done thinking that I have something to prove to others!  This is all for me! 
I am done stressing about hurtful family members and their big mouths... 
I am done letting words hurt me that come from people that have never had a weight problem!
I am done with stretch jeans... 
I am done with granny underwear... 
I am done covering up my cozzie on holidays...
I am done worrying if I'm going to fit in the restaurant booth... 
I am done undressing in the dark... 
I am done wondering if the people snickering next to me are doing so because of my weight... 
I am done squeezing into what I used to call "my fat jeans". 
I am done giving away cute clothes because I don't believe I can ever wear them again... 
I am done feeling like the least attractive girl at the party... 
I am done buying clothes with elastic waistbands... 
I am done wasting my precious life ...
I am done wishing I looked like someone else... 
I am done holding myself back... 
I am done putting myself last and feeling alone about it... 
I am done doing for others because I'm the big girl and what else would I be doing...  
I am done saying I don't have time for me, I'm important.. I need to make time for me! 
I am done being scared that I won't fit in places... 
I am done getting out of breath just going upstairs... 
I am done being the FAT friend...
I am done with not having energy. ..
I am done hiding in my own house! 
I am done not being able to cross my legs, like a lady...
I am done putting off life until I am "skinny"... 
I am done with plus size clothes not even fitting right...   
I am done with putting everyone else before me and my health... 
I am done feeling like I am going to burst right out of my clothes... 
I am done with the rolls of fat that have grown with the sadness... 
I am done with feeling miserable all the time... 
I am done wearing black everyday because it slims, yeah right!
I am done with hearing "you have such a pretty face, if only you lost a bit of weight... 
I am done looking into the mirror and not recognizing the person starring back at me! 
I am done not having the outside, match who is on the inside! 

I am done DONE DONE DONE DONE DONE!!!!!


Clearly I was DONE!!! but when I feel like I'm hitting a wall... I read it... I read it last night... and I realise that some things on the list don't even apply to me any more... Lots of things on that list don't even bother me now... but it reminds me of where I've been and I don't want to go back there... and THAT gives me the kick in the pants I need... 

I wrote it in anger... I was in a very sad place at the time... I remember crying whilst I typed it, hence all the typos and spaces ... but I was furious... furious at myself  I know there are lots of things that sound the same... but looking back now I know those issues meant so much... Now I read it with a touch of sadness and realise that I'm a lot stronger and more capable than I ever thought I was... and I'd like to be friends with that girl and give her a hug... 

SO if this is what it takes... do it! Write a list of where I guarantee by the time you've finished reading it you'll not only be back on the wagon... you'll be driving it! 

Whatever you do... don't regret or feel guilty about what's done... life is very short... Do what you need to do now... 



Lazy... is not an option!


Some days you just need that kick in the pants... Like a proper telling off! The other night I sat in front of the telly for 3 solid hours! I only got up to make tea and go to the loo! I wasn't in good form but I know if I'd got up off my bum I'd have felt so much better after a walk around the neighbourhood! Some days I really have to shout at myself...

JUST GET UP DOLL! GO FOR A WALK! JUST DO IT! 

I always feel so much better when I exercise, my head is clearer and I have loads more energy... I sleep better too! There's no point whingeing at the scales when we know we dedicated more time to the soaps on telly than to our weightloss journey! 

So lets go this week... All exercise is good for us! Lazy isn't an option anymore! 

Kabuto Noodles

I'm a devil for packaging... be it make up or food I'm just drawn to it! I spotted these in my local greengrocer / deli... Normally I steer well clear of anything like this but I thought I'd SmartPoint them just to see... high enough but there 450g in each one once they're 'cooked' so it's a decent portion... 

x



Kabuto Rice Noodles, Vegetable Laksa
per 450g as consumed - 10SP



Kabuto Rice Noodles, Chilli Chicken Ramen
per 450g as consumed - 11SP



Kabuto Rice Noodles, Miso Ramen
per 450g as consumed - 9SP



Kabuto Rice Noodles, Beef Pho
per 450g as consumed - 9SP



Kabuto Rice Noodles, Chicken Ramen
per 450g as consumed - 10SP 




Note to self...


If you've ever had a binge you will totally get this post... 

I have had an emotional connection with food since I was a child... for as long as I can remember it's been a friend and an enemy... When I left school and started college and uni, I took control something that for so long had been controlled for me... and I lost the run of myself with that power! 

I became so good at hiding my eating disorder that I used to be secretly so pleased with myself, that I had 'conned' my friends and family... in fact some of them still don't know! That mindset of feeling like I'd won some prize by bingeing and purging without anyone knowing was all in my head... All I felt at the end of every binge was unhappy... sick... sore... my teeth hurt... my stomach ached... my whole body would shake and I'd be sitting on the floor in floods of tears wondering how someone smart like me ended up like this... It was a vicious cycle that took years for me to break and there are still times when I binge, but I've learned to control it a lot more... You don't need to have an eating disorder to know how it works... if you're an emotional eater then you've been there... when you eat crap, when you fill your body up with processed foods and over indulge in alcohol you body makes it pretty clear its not happy... That 1 minute of satisfaction ends up making you miserable... The trick is to realise what's making you unhappy, and find the solution without using food... I know sometimes only a chocolate bar will make you feel any better but 2 bars... 3... not fixing the problem just muting it for a while... 

Crappy food (although it's delicious thanks to all the additives!) make crappy skin, crappy sleep... craving even more rubbish to satisfy that slat and sugar overdose, and feeling like you're a human waste bin (which FYI does NOTHING for your self esteem!) not to mention how your body deals with the aftermath! 

Sure we all indulge in a night out but when you eat well, and drink enough water.. you feel better... It's learning to limit the crap, indulge once in a while... Nothing is off the menu but remember when a bar of chocolate was a treat? Not a daily energy boost... 

Give your body the fuel it needs this week... and you'll feel amazing!  



Savour Bakes, Thins...

These are VERY popular in casa Kinsella! See, as a crisp junkie anything salty and crunchy is a win with me! These THINS are from ALDI and the Sweet chilli ones are to die for (honestly, no drama here, they are FAB!), for 1SP per thin they'll satisfy that crunch but don't forget to point what you put on top! 

x



Savour Bakes Thins, Sweet Chilli
per 8g thin - 1SP
2 x thins - 2SP
3 x thins - 3SP



Savour Bakes Thins, Multi seed
Per 10g thin - 1SP
2 x thins - 2SP
3 x thins - 3SP



Savour Bakes Thins, Cheddar & Cracked Black pepper 
Per 7g thin - 1SP
2 x thins - 2SP
3 x thins - 3SP

You are more!



It's very easy to get hung up on numbers when you're losing weight... the scales can make us joyful or miserable... a number on a label in a pair of jeans can make up feel like we're not working hard enough... See, I'm a numbers gal... I love tracking, I love measuring stuff out for recipes but I don't always love what the scales says when I think I've had a good week and I 'deserve' a loss... It can be the very thing that starts me thinking that it's not working... but think about all the other things... Did that jacket zip up on you this week? Are your clothes feeling looser? Have you lost inches? Did someone mention how well you look? Did you get up the stairs without breaking a sweat? Did you walk further than you did last month? Have you passed your goal for your daily steps count? Is your skin clearer from all the water you've been drinking? 

The scales is just one tool in the weight loss box... Don't let it stop your journey!

Creationz...

Beanz.. meanz... yup, we all remember the ad! 
These are out at the moment and if you're a bean fan (I LOVE THEM!) it's nice to add a a bit of variety... The problem when you're trying to eat healthy all the time is you get stuck in a rut and eat the same thing over and over because you know the points of it and it's easier to just stick with what you know... Add half a tin of these to a baked potato is a fab dinner! Really filling and SO easy on these wet and miserable nights! Worth a look if you're a bean fan! 

x



Heinz Creationz - Lentil Curry
per 195g half tin - 4SP 
per 390g tin - 8SP 



Heinz Creationz - Tagine Chickpeas
per 195g half tin - 6SP 
per 390g tin - 12SP 



Heinz Creationz - Veg Chilli Beanz
per 195g half tin - 4SP 
per 390g tin - 9SP 



Heinz Creationz - Mexican Beanz
per 195g half tin - 4SP 
per 390g tin - 9SP 


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